10/24/2002

A few years ago, I was shocked to learn they had come out with a Harley Barbie with blue streaks in her hair. When, I wondered, did she outgrow tea parties?

If I only had known how innocent those days were.

I am now holding in my hand the latest catalog from FAO Schwarz.

It has a section on the latest Barbies. You're going to think I'm making this up, but it's right there, on page 9, item 'D."

Mothers of America, hide your daughters.

They've come out with "Lingerie Barbie."

That's their name, not mine.

It gets worse.

This is not a Barbie in a flannel nightgown. It is not even a Barbie in silk pajamas.

I am not exagerrating when I say the photo of Lingerie Barbie could easily be mistaken for one of those 1-900-Call-Me ads in the adult ad section of certain kinds of magazines.

Let's get to the item's description. It goes like this:

"Barbie exudes a flirtatious attitude in her heavenly merry widow bustier ensemble accented with intricate lace and matching peekaboo peignoir." That may sound like a journalist's satire, but it's the actual catalog description.

First of all, I'm not sure about the word "flirtatious." To me, that's coy conversation in the high school cafeteria. Maybe my own school had a stricter dress code than others, but I don't recall 16-year-old girls flirting there in see-through negligees.

Before anyone tells me Lingerie Barbie is actually meant for older collectors, I remind you she's in an FAO Schwarz catalog. That's a toy store. And though this model is for ages "14 and up" -- show me the 14-year-old who still plays with Barbie. Even if some do, one hopes it's not exactly the age for see-through negligees.

Anyway, being unfamiliar with words like bustier and peignoir, I decided to consult an expert to make sure I had my facts straight.

I approached Tracy Smith, the manager at Victoria's Secret in Providence Place.

She was kind enough to correct my pronunciation. It's not bus-tee-er, as I thought. It's boos-tee-ay. Smith walked me around to show me her many "merry widow" choices. It's a common style.

This threw me a bit. I didn't know that widows were merry. I thought that when we men die, our widows are devastated for about 20 years or so. Now it turns out the lingerie stores of America are supplying them with wardrobe items one doesn't normally associate with mourning. You can only imagine Ken's surprise when he learns what Barbie will be wearing after he croaks.

I asked Tracy Smith the intentions of a woman who wears bustiers and see-through peignoirs. She was very professional, and explained how they are often worn under fancy gowns. She said bustiers are "shapewear," sometimes accented by "boning."

Back at my office, I looked such things up online and found a Frederick's of Hollywood item that said, "Boning urges bustline up." First of all, one might have thought that's the last thing Barbie needs help with. But more important -- and this is just a suggestion -- shouldn't Barbie games be more focused on princesses than urging up bustlines?

In search of straight answers, I tried asking several women I know why anyone would wear a merry widow bustier.

Basically, they said, to show off a specific aspect of your attributes. They didn't exactly use the word "attributes."

And how about a "peekaboo peignoir?"

That, apparently, is to allow a male associate to directly survey your attributes.

Trying to defend Barbie's honor, I asked if such lingerie couldn't just be sleepwear.

One woman responded with an unexpected question. What was Lingerie Barbie wearing on her feet?

I studied the catalog photos. High heels, I said.

"You mean, high, high, high heels?" she asked.

Seems that way.

"Probably Manolo Blahnik stilettos," she said knowingly.

What was her point?

In so many words, she said that stilettos worn with bustiers and peignoirs are a woman's way of expressing interest in perpetuating the species, or practicing at same.

I told her that Lingerie Barbie has one more curious element.

Stockings held up by garters.

"My God," she said. "Who are they selling this to?"

I asked if garters and stockings couldn't be innocently worn as undergarments beneath a nice gown?

That was a firm no. You would wear pantyhose in that case. I was told that garters and stockings are for intentions unsuitable to be discussed around children.

Unless, I suppose, we're talking about children who shop at FAO Schwarz.

I suppose this means we can't be too far from Sex and the City Barbie, Dominatrix Barbie and Stripper Barbie, which I know is absurd, but are those any more so than Lingerie Barbie in her merry widow bustier?

Ah, for the innocent days of Harley Barbie with her blue-streaked hair.

When, indeed, did she outgrow tea parties?

Mark Patinkin can be reached at mpatinkin@projo.com.