The Power of Words. INNOCENCE LOST: Child sexual abuse in Rhode Island

5/5/96
INNOCENCE LOST: Child sexual abuse in Rhode Island
Littlest victims may face lifetime of pain, depression, despair. Molestation affects each child differently, but almost all will need help and support to recover.

By LAURA MEADE KIRK
Journal-Bulletin Staff Writer

       He was 4 when he first talked about killing himself, and scratched at his scrawny arms and wrists with a steak knife until he drew blood.
       A few months later, he set fire to a pile of newspapers in a bedroom. He sat there on the floor, blankly staring at the flames, not seeing or hearing his grandmother rush into the room to stomp it out.
       In another incident, his mother says, he dangled himself out a second- story window. "I heard people screaming. I was in the room across from him, and he was already out the window, hanging by his fingers on the edge."
       "Let me help!" she screamed, grabbing his arms. But he just hung there, dead weight, saying: "Let go of me. Let go. I don't want to live anymore."
       A friend helped pull the boy to safety and he told his mother he wanted to die so that he could be born again - and come back without the pain and memories of being molested.
       The youngster, now an intense 6-year-old with probing eyes and a thick shock of dark brown hair, still thinks he's "dirty" because he says he was raped by a close family friend.
       "He thinks people can see it on his skin," his mother says. "He thinks he's bad. He just feels worthless. No matter how many times you tell him you love him, and that he's a good little boy, it doesn't matter."
       "I can't imagine what he's going through," she says.
       Neither can most other people, for child molestation is an insidious crime that affects each of its victims in very different ways.
       "It's the ultimate, ultimate violation," says Peg Langhammer, executive director of the Rape Crisis Center. "It's an invasion of one's being, one's personal space, one's body and one's personal spirit.
       "It can really be very destructive. . . . There are physical and emotional effects that can take years of treatment."

       HERE ARE some of the victims from police and court records:
       *A 2-year-old is treated for gonorrhea after she tells her foster mother that "her daddy sits on her."
       *A 6-year-old boy, raped by his father over several years, tries to hang himself.
       *A 15-year-old honor student's grades drop to all Es and Fs after her stepfather is acquitted earlier this year of charges of molesting her.
       *A 16-year-old girl repeatedly sexually abused by her stepbrother tries to kill herself so many times that she has spent the past three years in and out of psychiatric hospitals.
       These youngsters, like the vast majority of child molestation victims, were sexually assaulted by people they know and trust.

       BESIDES THE immediate physical and emotional toll it takes on their lives, there is no way of knowing what the long-term effects will be on their bodies and minds.
       Some youngsters show no outward signs of physical or mental abuse, says Jean Szczepaniak, a clinical social worker at Hasbro Children's Hospital who has been working with child victims of sexual abuse since 1982. "They're not necessarily sad, pathetic looking kids. . . . Many of these kids look fine."
       Other children show clear physical or emotional signs of sexual abuse.
       Some suffer tearing, scarring and other injuries such as sexually transmitted diseases or internal injuries that affect their ability to urinate or defecate. But often times, Szczepaniak says, "The perpetrators are shrewd, they're very shrewd," using sexual acts other than intercourse to avoid physical evidence of abuse.
       Other youngsters suffer emotional trauma, leading to severe depression, substance abuse, suicidal tendencies, uncontrollable rage and other types of abusive behavior.
       Many act out sexually, or engage in inappropriate sexual behavior, Szczepaniak says. She recalls one 9-year-old girl who showed up for group therapy sessions wearing a ton of makeup and high heels. "She was so sexualized for such a young kid," Szczepaniak says.
       Another youngster, about 5, drew several pictures of "happy faces," and three others with frowns, Szczepaniak says. The girl explained: "The ones who are smiling are waiting to have a turn with me (sexually). The three who are sad already had their turn."
       Many children are rewarded by their perpetrators, either in terms of special attention or gifts or promises for their "special relationship."
       Others are threatened or bribed not to tell anyone what has happened, as though it would be a betrayal.
       Most of the victims know what's been done to them is wrong, Szczepaniak says, and they often say they feel "different" from other youngsters because of what has happened.
       "They feel other people can just look at them and know."

       ANOTHER GIRL was about 6 when she was first molested by her 11-year-old stepbrother, her mother says. The girl effectively was punished instead of the boy - he got to stay in the house, while she was sent off to live with an uncle.
       After he was finally kicked out of the house a few months later, after allegedly molesting another stepsister, the girl was allowed to return home.
       And a few years later, when the boy returned to the house after supposedly receiving treatment for sexual offenders, he allegedly molested her again.
       Her mother didn't know what was happening at the time. All she knew was that ever since the boy had returned home, her daughter wasn't the same. Even after the stepson was again kicked out of the house, the girl's grades dropped. She fought with teachers. She started hanging out in her bedroom, dressing all in black and listening to heavy metal music. She started drinking.
       She was only 12.
       "All those things were signs of suicide," her mother says, looking back. "I tried to get her counseling. There were waiting lists. I went to church. They told me to pray. It got to the point where no one was helping out, and she just lost it."
       So did her mother, who was so frustrated that she stopped talking to her daughter. "When that happened, she just went crazy and stabbed herself in the stomach," her mother said. The youngster was admitted to Bradley Hospital, a psychiatric hospital for children, in 1993.
       That's when she confided that she'd been molested again.
       She's been in and out of psychiatric hospitals and residential treatment programs ever since, and has tried to kill herself countless times, her mother says. She has cut herself, overdosed on pills, and taken LSD at school - "to get rid of the pain, that's what she's telling me," her mother says.
       Her stepbrother has since been arrested and is awaiting trial on child molestation charges. With the help of therapy, the girl, now 16, is starting to do a little better, her mother says. But she may never be the same.
       The doctors have told her she may have a lifelong battle with depression. And her mother worries she may try to kill herself again.

       IN ADDITION to the physical and emotional pain of sexual abuse, many children are further traumatized by the very systems designed to help them.
       They are often removed from their homes, especially if their assailant is a family member. If the perpetrator is forced to leave, the victim is often the one blamed for breaking up the family.
       Children also have to relive the abuse over and over through interviews with police, prosecutors, doctors and other professionals. If the case continues through the system, the child must face his or her assailant in court and often undergo brutal cross-examinations as though they, rather than their assailant, are on trial.
       The state Department for Children, Youth and Families is responsible for investigating complaints of sexual abuse of children, especially when the assailant is a family member. Any number of things can happen, says Edward Albanese, supervisor of child protective investigators. The child could be removed from the home and put in foster care or a group home, or be allowed to stay home as long as the assailant is out of the house and the child's parents agree to help protect him or her.
       But that doesn't always happen.
       Often, especially in middle- and upper-class families, "the victim is made out to be the villain" in these cases, says Richard Hillman, another DCYF supervisor. "It's not unusual for a mother to say to a child, 'Look what you've done to us. You've broken up our home' " - especially if the father, who often supports the family, has to leave the home.
       That's why it's not unusual for youngsters to recant their allegations - so they can return to their home or so the offender will be permitted to return and make the family whole again, Albanese says.
       "The kid becomes a victim right down the line," he says. "It's a lose-lose situation all the way."
       Advocates of children's rights are trying to make things a little easier for victims through programs like the Child Advocacy Center at the Rape Crisis Center, where police, prosecutors and child investigators can gather to talk to victims, rather than subjecting them to multiple interviews. A task force is pursuing a proposal to let youngsters testify in court through closed- circuit television rather than having to confront their assailant.
       But the fact is, many instances of child molestation go unreported, and far fewer result in arrests and prosecutions. More than 300 youngsters were examined at Hasbro Children's Hospital for suspected sexual abuse in a year- long period ending March 31, but it's unclear how many were confirmed.
       The DCYF substantiated nearly 400 cases of child sexual abuse last year, yet only a few dozen people were arrested. And prosecution is no guarantee that the molester will ever be punished. A Journal-Bulletin study found that more than half of all admitted child molesters never went to prison. And there's no guarantee that prosecution will result in a conviction - or punishment.
       Just ask this 15-year-old girl.

       ONE NIGHT about three years ago, police found the girl's stepfather crawling around their neighborhood too drunk to care for himself.
       They brought him back to his apartment, where he lived with his stepdaughter, who was 12 then, and four younger children. "Don't make me go back into the house with him," she pleaded of the police officer. "He's just gonna touch me and everything."
       The girl had been living with her stepfather and the other children after their mother had moved out. She told police that he had been molesting her for years, beginning when she was 9. That night she and the other children were taken to a relative's house.
       "I was afraid and kind of embarrassed" to tell anyone, the girl now says. "But I couldn't take it any more."
       The stepfather was arrested and charged with five counts of second-degree child molestation. He was acquitted of all charges earlier this year. His defense lawyer said the accusations stemmed from a bitter custody dispute with the girl's grandmother, who now has custody of her.
       When the jury announced its verdict, the girl recalls, "I just couldn't believe it. It was just so outrageous. I was crying, saying I did this all for nothing. I still feel like crying. I still can't believe it."
       She has had emotional problems ever since.
       She tried to overdose on nonprescription pain killers, and she suffers from "fits of depression - like she just doesn't care," her grandmother says. Once an honor student, she's now in danger of flunking out of ninth grade. She sees a therapist weekly, but it doesn't seem to help.
       "We just take it one day at a time," her grandmother says. "We face each hurdle one at a time."
       Meanwhile, she says, "We're trying to put it behind us. We know that he's guilty, but there's absolutely nothing we can do."

       SO WHAT can be done for these victims?
       Szczepaniak of Hasbro Children's Hospital says abused children need all the help they can get. Some are lucky enough to have supportive home environments that help them recover from what has happened to them. Others require years, even a lifetime, of therapy. Still others never get over it.
       "Kids need to feel really good about themselves. They need to know they have supportive adults in their lives, people who will believe them."
       Fortunately, says Langhammer of the Rape Crisis Center, "kids are incredibly resilient." With the proper help, she says, "they have a high likelihood of recovery and living healthy, normal lives."
       Tell that to the mother of the 6-year-old, who is still trying to cope with the moodiness and anger that consume her only son.
       It's been nearly two years since he first told his mother and his grandmother that he had been molested by his godfather, a close family friend. Doctors found evidence that he had been raped, and the youngster told a prosecutor horrific things that had happened to him, things no 4-year-old could imagine or make up.
       The godfather has since been arrested and is awaiting trial. And still the little boy suffers uncontrollable fits of rage, terrifying nightmares, and bouts of depression and despair.
       "He screams that he's dirty," his mother says, and nothing will convince him otherwise.
       He looks longingly at his baby pictures and videotapes of him as a baby. "He says, 'I want to be a baby again. . . . Please,' " his mother says. "He wants to be back in my belly."
       Then he can come out clean and start his young life over.
       "I love him so much," his mother says. "My heart breaks when I see him like that. If I could take the pain away, I would."

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