Perfectly foul

08:11 AM EDT on Wednesday, May 19, 2004

BY CHUCK BARNEY
Knight Ridder Newspapers

If television shows were ranked by the number of winces and cringes they provoke, The Swan, a Fox network series that turns cosmetic surgery into a spectator sport, would top the charts.

Self-loathing female "competitors" tearfully describe their existential nightmares. And they emerge, post-op, looking as if they've just gone 10 vicious rounds with Mike Tyson.

The Swan, for those who haven't been watching, is firmly in the mold of ABC's Extreme Makeover, right down to the video game-like body graphics.

But instead of simply lavishing free cosmetic surgery on its participants, The Swan has this contrivance: Each week, after two "ugly ducklings" undergo a total physical overhaul, they square off before a team of judges who choose one of them to advance to a series-ending beauty pageant, where the winner -- the Swan -- will be awarded cash and prizes.

"I will be completely devastated if I don't make the pageant," said one contestant in the series opener.

Like MTV's I Want a Famous Face, in which young men and women undergo cosmetic surgery to turn themselves into their favorite celebrities, The Swan mines the fairy-tale concept that no matter how unhappy you are with your physical appearance, a quick blast of medical magic will make your problems disappear.

Actually, the "transformations of a lifetime" seen in each hourlong episode occur over a three-month period. During that time, the women work with plastic surgeons, coaches, physical trainers and dentists, who bestow upon them large breasts, tight tummies, firm thighs, buoyant butts, pert little noses and pearly teeth.There's some brief mental therapy tossed in for good measure.

Therapy would seem to be vital for these women. Some are experiencing marital problems. Some have suffered the loss of a job or loved one. All are grappling with massive self-esteem issues. But rehabilitation of the psyche is given short shrift on the show.

There's no denying that The Swan packs a powerful visual punch. Who, after all, doesn't enjoy a good before-and-after presentation? And some of these "afters" will leave you agog, if only because you didn't think such physical renovations were possible.

Still, the overriding reaction to The Swan is one of distaste, mainly because it presents itself not as just another reality show, but as an earnest stab at female empowerment.

And the show has a sadistic streak to it. The emotionally fragile women are whisked off and isolated from their families. Then they are banned from gazing at their own reflections during the entire process. It isn't until the special "reveal" night that they are allowed to go before the mirror on the wall and find out who's the fairest of them all.

As dramatic music revs up, the series host plucks from an envelope the name of the woman who will advance to the pageant. The "loser" goes home.