01:00 AM EDT on Sunday, July 16, 2006

The head-butt seen around the world was triggered by an insult heard by only two men.

And what Zinedine Zindane says he heard is not what Marco Materazzi says he said.

Zidane, arguably the best footballer ever to play for France, says Materazzi, possibly the most tenacious (polite word for being as dirty as possible without drawing a red card) defender ever to play for Italy, insulted his mother and sister.

That, Zidane explained last week on French television, is why he head-butted Materazzi with 10 minutes remaining in the World Cup final, resulting in an immediate ejection that brought an embarrassing end to Zidane's illustrious career and contributed to France's defeat, on penalty kicks, at the hands -- or feet, as the case may be -- of Italy.

Materazzi, on the other hand, or foot, or foot-in-mouth, says he didn't say anything about Zidane's female relations. Nor, he insisted to a prominent Italian sports newspaper, did he say anything "about racism, religion, or politics."

So what, exactly, did Materazzi say?

The global speculation has reached the point where such well-respected media outlets as the lofty Times of London and the BBC have hired lip readers to study tapes of the incident.

The BBC's expert claims Materazzi said: "I hope your family all die ugly deaths."

Which is a far cry from the determination of The Times' man, who attests that Materazzi called Zindane "the son of a terrorist whore."

Both are assuming, by the way, that whatever conversation took place was in Italian, either because Zidane played in Italy for years, or because Materazzi, whose nickname is "the Animal" is incapable of learning a second language.

Well, The Times and the BBC have their sources, and I have mine.

I have consulted lip readers, mind readers, palm readers and copy readers. I have talked with psychologists and phrenologists, psychics and psychos.

None of them is exactly sure just what Materazzi said to cause Zidane to behave like a French food critic denied a seat at the best restaurant in Rome, but they agree it had to be something truly outrageous to provoke such a fiery reaction.

Here, then, are some of their speculations:

-- "That was your mother and sister? I thought it was your father and brother."

-- "Compared to Italian wines, French wines are just grape juice."

-- "At least you guys hung in longer than your army did in World War II."

-- "Did any of those supposedly impregnable forts along the Maginot Line fly the tricolor when the Germans invaded, or did they only have white flags?"

-- "If it weren't for the Americans, you'd be playing for Germany."

-- "Come to think of it, you're so old and over the hill that you couldn't start for the American team.

-- "Tom Cruise wants to dump Katie and marry your sister."

-- "There's not a four-star restaurant in France that is the equal of a neighborhood trattoria in Italy."

-- "The best restaurants in France are McDonald's."

-- "The Eiffel Tower looks like it was built with an oversized erector set. The Tower of Pisa is a work of art."

-- "Speaking of art, how come the most-viewed painting in the Louvre was done by an Italian?"

-- "Paris is a slum compared to Naples."

-- "The French Alps are the foothills of the Italian Alps."

-- "A Citroen compares to a Lamborghini the way a plow horse compares to a race horse."

-- "Compared to the Amalfi coast, the Riviera is just a sand box."

-- "When I think of Paris, I think of Hilton, not France."

-- "We have Marcel Mastroianni. You have Gerard Depardieu. Who, come to think of it, is the best-looking Frenchman I've ever seen."

-- "The most eloquent Frenchman I've ever heard is Marcel Marceau."

-- "What kind of a name is Zinedine Zidane? Or is it Zidane Zinedine?"

-- "If I say one more word, you're going to head-butt me? Yeah, right. What kind of wimp leads with his head instead of a roundhouse right?"

jdonalds@projo.com / (401) 277-7340