Only a twit would Twitter.

Yes, I’m talking about you, Shaq. You, too, Serena. And Lance, and Coach Cal at Kentucky, and Charlie Weis, and Olympian Shawn Johnson, and all the other athletes and coaches who Twitter away, breathlessly, and endlessly, hour after hour, day after day, keeping their legions of followers updated on the most insignificant of activities.

How big an ego, I wonder, does someone have to have to think other people are interested in their every move?

An even larger question is: How huge a dweeb do you have to be to care about any of the drivel these sporting celebrities are putting out there for public consumption?

Which, I ask, is worse: The egocentric twitter who thinks their every action is of vital importance? Or the pathetic person who has nothing better to do than wait breathlessly for the next “tweet” from their favorite sports celebrity?

Lest there be any doubt about where I’m coming from, I’ve got way too much going on in my life to take the time to tell you what I’m doing. Aside from the fact, of course, that it’s none of your business what I’m doing. And, since I’m too busy to do that, it should go without saying that there isn’t a chance in cyberspace that I’d spend even a second checking out tweets from twits.

 If you have a life, you don’t need minute-by-minute updates on somebody else’s.

 I understand that, for the athletes, it’s about marketing, visibility, and popularity, which translate into money. For the fans who hanker to “share” the lives of sports stars, it’s pathetic.

 For those of you who have not made Twitter a part of your life, it is, according to its website: “a free service that lets you keep in touch with people through the exchange of quick, frequent answers to one simple question: ‘What are you doing?’ ”

“Why?” the site then asks. Which, BTW, was the first question that popped into my mind.

“Because,” the answer was, “even basic updates are meaningful to family members, friends, or colleagues” – allow me to add here “infatuated fans” – “especially when they’re timely.

“Eating soup? Research shows that moms want to know.” (How about if you’re eating a banana split and don’t want your spouse to know?)

“Running late to a meeting? Your co-workers might find that useful.” (I’ll be there in an hour, boss – the foursome in front of me was slow and I’m only on the 17th tee.)

“Partying? Your friends may want to join you.” (If I wanted them to join me, I’d already have invited them.)

Only because I was getting paid to do it, I sampled several celebrity “tweets.”

“I am preparing to leave for Wimbledon,” Serena Williams said. “I’m going to miss my girls, Jackie and Laura.”

 Serena has kids? Now that IS news! Whoops – wait a second. Jackie and Laura are dogs. Well, LOL – as Serena “tweeted” several times while watching (sorta, kinda, not really) a recent NBA playoff game between the Magic and Lakers.

 “Hey! I’m in Orlando, watching the game with my BFF Selita Ebanks, gossiping. I’ve only seen two or three plays. LOL,” Williams posted.

 Then, a few minutes later, there was this update: “I’m so excited to be here. This is so awesome, being able to watch other athletes work. I’m enjoying not being on court, working. LOL.”

 OMG, I say. How thrilling to stay in touch with my BFF, Serena.

 Time to check in with my main man, Lance Armstrong.

 “I believe the last time I did Nevada City was 1990” said a recent Lance “tweet.” “Psyched to go back.”

 Yeah, dude, and I’m psyched to hear all about it. Nevada City! Way cool!

 “Our friend, Nick, dropped off some lasagna,” Lance posted. “It’s tasty. Thanks, Nick.”

 And thank you, Lance, for letting me into your life. I’m enriched. Fulfilled. I feel as if I just won the Tour de France.

 Like most college coaches, eager to show recruits how “with it” they are, Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis “tweets” from the shadow of the Golden Dome.

 “Summer school and strength and conditioning begin Tuesday,” Weis reveals. “The freshmen arrive on campus Sunday, while the rest of the team must be here Monday.”

 Are the odds great or small – to borrow a phrase from the famous Notre Dame “Victory March” – that coach Weis does his own “tweeting?” I know which way I’m wagering. Can’t wait to see who’s designated “Assistant coach/Tweeting” in the next ND football media guide.

 Hopefully, Charlie will explain in one of his “tweets” how, given his offensive genius, the Irish failed to score against Boston College last season and didn’t make a first down against Southern Cal until the third quarter was nearly over.

 Truth, rather than trivialities, be told – there occasionally, albeit rarely, is actual news broken via “tweet” that leaves sports fans all, so to speak, a-twitter.

 In the wee hours of Wednesday morning, Minnesota Timberwolves forward Kevin Love sent a “tweet,” saying: “Today is a sad day…Kevin McHale will NOT be back as head coach this season.”

 Having scooped the official announcement by his own team, Love quickly reverted to more typical “tweets.”

 “1…2…3 OUT” was his next post, followed quickly by: “About to eat at Spago…so now I’m really out.”

 Yesterday afternoon, Love posted this: “Even though people think I’m CNN now for breaking the news…I’m not. But MUCH LOVE to everyone at CNN.”

 Puzzled by why so many people – Serena has more than 355,000 “followers” on Twitter; Armstrong has nearly 1.1 million – have so MUCH LOVE for such banalities, I called a psychologist friend of mine who specializes in sports.

 “You want me to find something meaningful to say about people who have nothing meaningful to say?” he asked.

 That about says it all.

 And if you have something to say about all this – don’t send it via Twitter.