Solutions

Ah, the holidays with families. Old hurts popping up like lumps in the mashed potatoes, reheated servings of unresolved issues and guilt, festering mom-liked-you-best sibling rivalries and relatives long on best-forgotten memories and short on manners. It's all enough to curdle the gravy and sour the green bean casserole.

Certainly, there are great expectations as many gather around festive family dinner tables in a spirit of warm conviviality and joy. But the holidays also can bring out a spate of stress-producing interactions as relatives come together for parties, meals and gift-giving. Here are some strategies for approaching typical problems:

1. Approach holidays with realistic expectations. "The holiday brings the family together, and it brings up the fantasy of what it's supposed to be like," says Diana Kirschner, a New York-based psychologist. "That's based on advertising and on images we have from childhood of a sweet, happy family. But it's not the fantasy-perfect family that's shown in the images." In some cases, the childhood holiday memory may be unhappy and painful, and the yearning to fix everything and make it perfect now is powerful yet unattainable.

"What happens is we all walk into the house at the holidays, and we're kids again. We do the same behaviors, have the same feelings and come up with the same result," which is stress, says Beverly J. Valtierra, a San Antonio psychologist. "Do the opposite of what you used to do. Don't get sucked into it again. Don't replay the old dramas. Focus on what's happening now, not the past. You're there to visit, not resolve."

2. Refuse to argue. Emotions, happy and sad, as well as memories, good and bad, lie close to the surface this time of year, so keep the conversation positive and don't stir the pot. If you know certain subjects, such as politics, set off Uncle Joe, don't go there. If cousin Mike hurls a zinger at you, don't fire back.

"That's the worst thing you can do, because then it becomes a schoolyard battle," says Herb Rappaport, a clinical psychologist and professor of psychology at Temple University in Philadelphia.

Instead, the author of The Family Gathering Survival Plan (Running Press, $12.95), recommends heading off the skirmishes before they erupt. Approach Mike beforehand when there's no audience, and let him know it's upsetting when he makes jokes at your expense.

Ms. Kirschner advises using "the therapist's secret. When you're facing a battle-ax relative or some situation where it's contentious, win by refusing to fight."

When Aunt Gertrude snidely asks, as she does every holiday, why you're still not married, ignore the question.

3. Avoid over-imbibing scenes. San Antonio psychologist Sharon Braun, who has been in private practice for 15 years, says what she hears about most is the too-liberal imbibing at this time of year.

"The drinking gets out of hand, and then all the old animosities come out and ugly things can be said."

A host can limit the amount of alcoholic drinks served but can't completely control drinking because some guests bring their own, or arrive already well lubricated. However, she says you can minimize your time around drinkers by going early when they're not totally drunk and leaving quickly.

4. Ease interactions. With blended families, many people are dealing with the complex relationships of stepparents, step-siblings and layers of relatives; people who don't know each other well but are thrown together and expected to connect. Add boyfriends with attitude and multiple piercings, and the result can be awkward.

Ms. Kirschner says one good bonding maneuver is to ask new relatives (or those you only see rarely) to talk about themselves. If you bring someone new into the family, don't fill his head beforehand with negative things about parents or siblings.

5. Keep it separate and short. "If you know one side of the family doesn't mix well with the other side of the family, sometimes it's better to have separate gatherings," says Ms. Valtierra, co-author with Joan M. Ellis of Connections: A Woman's Guide for Relational Living (Langmarc Publishing, $18.95). She recommends two strategies: Keep visits short and have an escape plan. If you fly to another city, rent a car so you can leave anytime.

In the end, Mr. Rappaport says, "People need to think about what we are celebrating. Think about the family gathering as if you were in a church or synagogue or mosque. You wouldn't be fighting or bickering with each other there. Have reverence for the occasion."