REV. LESLIE

SOUTH KINGSTOWN — The Rev. Kristen Leslie knew early on that she was speaking to the choir.

The scene was Peace Dale Congregational Church, where the minister, an expert on domestic violence and a professor at Yale Divinity School, was telling a group of clergy and other faith leaders from a wide spectrum of religions that none of their faith traditions condones domestic violence.

But, of course, the priests, ministers, rabbis, elders, nuns, deacons and Buddhist and Muslim women attending the day-long worship on April 26 organized by the South County area’s Interfaith Alliance Against Domestic Violence already knew that.

As the Rev. Leslie put it, domestic violence “is hurting our people.”

“It is devastating our understanding of safety and home, and turning relationships of trust into hostage situations.”

Furthermore, she said, “it robs us of abundant life and leads many to walk in the shadow of death, where they have no option but to fear everything.”

Domestic violence can be defined in a number of ways, but the United Methodist minister, author of When Violence is No Stranger, defines it as any pattern of behavior — be it verbal or physical abuse, threats, intimidation, manipulation or isolation – meant to establish or maintain authority and control over the partner.

Abusers, she says, will do all they can to create a “closed system” where the victim is unable to critique the system because she has been cut off from outside influences.

So what can clergy do to reach out to the abused and battered women in their congregations who more often than not suffer in secret?

For one, says the minister, they can speak on the subject from the pulpit, and should not be surprised when people whisper, “you were talking about me.”

But if you do that, she told faith leaders, you must also be ready to provide lists of resources, and be cognizant that the most dangerous time in an abused woman’s life is when she tries to leave.

How close and widespread is the problem?

One study shows that intimate partner violence is the leading cause of injury to women ages 15 to 44, outdistancing auto accidents, mugging and cancer deaths combined. Forty-five percent of emergency room visits for women are related to intimate partner violence.

But there are other research studies that suggest that the violence is affected by marital status. According to the national Crime Victimization Survey, for example, 65 percent of the violent crimes against women by intimate partners between 1979 and 1987 were committed either by boyfriends or ex-husbands while only 9 percent were committed by husbands. Another study found that while 35 percent of cohabitating couples experienced some form of physical aggression in any given year, the same holds true of just 15 percent of married couples.

Rev. Leslie says when a woman comes to a minister for help, the first thing the clergy need to do is attend to her safety. “You can be the best theologian, spiritual sage, scholar of the Bible or Koran, but if you don’t attend to her safety, you’re not helping.”

Then the religious professional must help the victim deal with the misuse of theological concepts that abusers and perpetrators will seek to use for their own advantage.

Perhaps the most blatant of these, in Rev. Leslie’s view, is the notion of forgiveness.

Yes, Jesus said forgive 70 times 7, but does that mean a young woman is weak of faith when she refuses to forgive a boyfriend who has been hitting her?

Not at all, says Rev. Leslie, who thinks that conversations about forgiveness begin far too early.

In the Christian tradition, she noted, forgiveness is supposed to be preceded by some truth telling and confession by the perpetrator/penitent, which means that before he can be forgiven, the perpetrator has to admit his wrong, take responsibility, make a permanent change in his life and make restitution.

Later at the same conference, a Baptist minister, the Rev. Patricia Liberty of the Associates in Education and Prevention, said she also believes that “bad theology” and the misuse of forgiveness and reconciliation have become one of the biggest barriers for abused women in Christian communities.

“I still hear the words ‘forgive and forget.’ People think it’s in scripture. It’s not. It’s from Shakespeare. Now, if we can’t tell scripture from Shakespeare, we have some work to do. We need to overcome our really crummy theological thinking and get to some clarity. Sometimes the most loving thing to do is leave.”

Rabbi Ethan Adler of Temple Beth David told the gathering that even though the teachings of Judaism call on the husband to love his wife as much as he loves himself, all is not rosy. Unfortunately, he said, the “flavor of the culture” usually finds its way in, so that in the Middle Ages and beyond, some husbands came to be believe they could treat their wives as property, an idea that “still finds its way into some communities.”

Jennifer Ead, a teacher at the Islamic School of Rhode Island in West Warwick, said the Koran has many beautiful things to say about the relationship between husband and wife, but she agrees that the “local culture” can get in the way of the religious teaching and confuse everything.

“That’s the main problem,” she said, “not knowing where religion begins and where culture begins.”

Joanne Friday, of the Buddhist Clear Heart Sangha, said she knew of a woman who had been abused who asked her Buddhist teacher how she could show more compassion to her abuser. “He replied that her first order was to have compassion for herself, and that she needed to leave.”

The Rev. Betty Kornitzer, minister of the Unitarian Universalist congregation of South County, said she thinks one thing ministers should try to do is offer hope. “I try to tell them I will be there with them through the journey.”

The Rev. John Soares, chaplain at the University of Rhode Island Catholic Center, said he, like most men, like to “fix things.” So when he meets a victim in an abusive relationship his first thought is send her off to counseling or to help her “get out” as soon as possible, not realizing it may put the abused in greater danger.

Then too, he said, “a lot of priests think you are married once and for all, so if you stay married you should be able to work through it. But that’s not necessarily the case at all.”

rdujardi@projo.com