BOSTON — Attention please… now batting for Ortiz…No. 28…Doug Mirabelli.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is about all you need to know about the home opener.

In the sixth inning yesterday, the Red Sox voluntarily chose to have a catcher who literally didn’t hit his weight last year bat instead of the game’s best run-producer.

Then again, this one was effectively over by the third inning. Actually, it’s likely that the seeds for this lopsided 14-3 Red Sox win over the Seattle Mariners were sown last weekend in Cleveland when snow wiped out the Mariners’ series with the Indians.

“We played,” acknowledged manager Mike Hargrove, “like we hadn’t played in four days. I mean, we pitched like it, we swung the bats like it and we played defense like it.”

There you go. Just add an out-of-sorts opponent for an easy home opener victory.

The Mariners were rusty yesterday and it showed. Jeff Weaver hadn’t pitched since March 31 and that much was obvious, too. When Weaver wasn’t being bashed around the ballpark in his brief (two innings) cameo, he was walking two and asking for trouble.

“You can’t go through our order and walk guys,” said Red Sox starter Josh Beckett. “You’re going to get burned 100 percent of time.”

Seattle walked seven and three scored. The rest merely extended innings and generally added to the Mariners’ frustration.

If nothing went right for the visitors, the opposite was true for the Sox. On this day, every hitter hit and Beckett pitched with great efficiency. He retired the first six hitters he faced, and after allowing two straight hits in the third, set down the final 15 in a row.

Beckett changed speeds, moved the ball around and used his secondary pitches, all things he struggled with at times last season. It’s premature to suggest that he’s learned his lessons from a year ago, because few pitchers are handed 4-0 leads in the first and 7-0 after two.

This was, above all else, a day of good starts — literally and otherwise. In addition to Beckett’s gem, there were the contributions from J.D. Drew and Jason Varitek.

Ever since Drew opted out of his contract with the Los Angeles Dodgers last winter and agreed to a five-year, $70-million do-over with the Red Sox, he’s been in the crosshairs.

Fully aware of his penchant for injury — and with full knowledge that he was nicknamed “Nancy” and “DL” at other stops in his career — and mindful that the advance billing had him as a player without passion, Drew has been regarded warily by most Red Sox fans.

It didn’t help, of course, that Drew was essentially replacing Trot Nixon, who was enormously popular with the same fan base.

Drew helped himself by hitting safely in all six road games before yesterday, bringing some momentum and goodwill home with him from the first trip. He continued his fast start yesterday. You only get one chance to make a good first impression, but Drew covered all the angles yesterday, first with a 400-foot sacrifice fly in his first at-bat before adding a two-run homer into the center field bleachers in the second inning.

Yesterday, he was caught up in the pageantry and production of Opening Day.

“There’s always something about the home opener,” said Drew.

Jason Varitek, who has a reservoir of goodwill built over eight seasons with the Red Sox, could use a boost, too, and got one with his 3-for-4 afternoon with a walk. Those three hits were one more that Varitek had in the first week, when his bat looked slow and his swing out-of-sync.

After a disastrous final month of last season, during which he hit a paltry .213, Varitek did nothing to silence the talk that inevitably starts when catchers in their mid-30s show signs of decline.

Drew and Varitek weren’t the only hitting stars. They were simply the neediest.

On this day, everyone hit.

“That was awesome,” said rookie Dustin Pedroia, enjoying his first opener. “It seemed like everyone was hitting the ball hard. On the road trip, we didn’t have as many good at-bats. But it seemed like today, everybody was squaring the ball up in at least two at-bats.”

That’s what openers are for — spreading the good cheer all around. There won’t be many like this, or many opponents emerging from four days of forced hibernation in Cleveland.

They’re advised to enjoy it while they can.

smcadam@projo.com