01:00 AM EST on Sunday, January 22, 2006

Considering that he slipped out of Fenway Park wearing a gorilla suit following his last press conference, it'll be interesting to see what Theo Epstein is wearing this week when the Red Sox put on a dog-and-pony show to officially announce his return.

Not that he ever really left.

Despite supposedly splitting with the team on Halloween -- hey, maybe that explains the gorilla garb: Theo's still young enough to go trick-or-treating -- Epstein has been waiting in the wings to make a triumphant (over Larry Lucchino) return.

While Lucchino, frustrated in his bid to bring in a new general manager to replace Theo by teary-eyed owner John Henry, has "left a candle burning in the window" for Epstein, making Fenway seem like a Motel 6, Epstein has been operating behind the scenes in the front office, like the little man behind the screen operating as the Great and Powerful Oz, "advising" the team in dealings such as the trade of disappointing shortstop Edgar Renteria to Atlanta, and how much Johnny Damon should, or should not, be paid.

It was, Red Sox fans will recall, a rift with Lucchino that was a major reason for young Theo's snit fit last October. Well, Larry's still in town. And now Theo's coming back. And if you think the issues between the two of them have been resolved, then you probably believe Manny will play all 162 games this season and won't do anything ridiculous.

Larry and Theo don't like each other. They don't trust each other. If you don't see them working well together, well, you're not alone.

So, instead of gorilla suits, it would be fitting if not only Theo, but everyone in the Red Sox hierarchy, showed up wearing clown outfits this week when the prodigal GM is welcomed back with open arms (John Henry's), tight smiles (Lucchino's), and a new title (yet to be determined).

Better yet, all the Sox honchos should come driving into the room packed into one of those tiny cars, like the clowns do in the circus. When the TV lights go on at the press conference this week, the Boston bigwigs all could pile out, with honking horns and blinking, bright-red noses. And, I suppose, bright-red socks, too.

Come on out, Theo. Great to see you again. Fill us in on how you're going to cure the bullpen woes that ailed you all of last season. Was Yankees GM Brian Cashman just lucky to come up with Shawn Chacon and Aaron Small? Or did he, like White Sox GM Ken Williams, do a better job than you?

Come on out, John Henry. Don't hold back those tears of joy at having your favorite son back in the fold. You, too, Larry. Let us know just how thrilled you are to be working with Theo again. As, I'm sure, are his former understudies, now Boston's two-headed general manager, Ben Cherrington and Jed Hoyer.

Have the grounds crew set up a tent in center field -- the circus is coming to Fenway, bringing smiles all around.

How nice that so many Red Sox fans are smiling over Epstein's return. The thing is, if you're not a Red Sox fan, you're probably chortling over Epstein's return. And, if you're a Yankees fan, you're undoubtedly rolling in the aisles over Epstein's return.

Talk about The Gang That Couldn't Shoot Straight.

Is this any way to run a baseball team?

The organization that brought Boston its first World Series title in 86 years will be dissembling in earnest this week as it tries to explain how the team will function, despite being dysfunctional.

Sad to say, the Sox could be hard-pressed to put together a team good enough to even get into the playoffs in 2006.

The Yankees, winners of -- in case you've lost count -- eight straight A.L. East titles, have improved during the offseason and now have the most powerful lineup in baseball. A lineup now featuring, as its leadoff hitter, the charismatic Damon, who became a fan favorite in Boston.

The long-ignored Blue Jays suddenly have become a force to be reckoned with once again by signing power-hitting Troy Glaus, adding A.J. Burnett to their starting rotation, and bringing in B.J. Ryan as their closer.

Boston's bullpen remains a disaster area, the starting rotation hardly is of championship caliber, no one has yet been signed to replace Damon, and the situation at shortstop, where Epstein's decision to bring in Renteria proved costly in more ways than one, remains unsettled.

Just as the front office has been since Epstein walked away from the team in a huff. And a gorilla suit.

jdonalds@projo.com / (401) 277-7340