01:00 AM EST on Tuesday, November 4, 2003

WARWICK -- Are you ready for some FOOTBALL?

A Monday night party.

Are you ready for some FOOTBALL?

Are you ready for wings, beer, and girls, the holy trinity of Monday night.

And FOOTBALL, too?

Are you ready?

Well, Andy Gresh certainly is.

It's Monday night at Hooters on Airport Road in Warwick, and Gresh -- one half of Scott and Gresh, afternoons on 790 The Score -- is hosting the weekly Monday night football party. Right now he is officiating the halftime frozen T-shirt contest, and if you're wondering what that has to do with football, then you really don't know what's going on anymore, do you Mr. Jones?

For this is The National Football League, and unless you've spent the last couple of years under a rock, or are some pencil-necked geek who wouldn't know a blitz from a bagel, you should know that the NFL is now about the total package. Which in this day and age means wings, beer, and girls.

Don't believe me?

Ask Jamie.

Jamie knows.

Believe it.

In real life she might be a student at Rhode Island College, as serious as a crackback block. But this, of course, is not real life. It's Monday night football, and Jamie is one half of the "Picks With Chicks" segment on 790 The Score where Gresh picks NFL games with two of the Hooters girls. Or as Jamie says, "People are always

coming in and saying, 'you're the slut from the radio.' "

Ah, football.

But that's the point.

It's all interrelated, part of the package.

Don't believe it?

Check out all the beer ads that run during NFL games, all those party scenes of screaming guys and buffed cheerleaders, all those ads of guys in states of euphoria, as if there's nothing better here on God's green earth than to have a cold one in your hand, a waitress you wished you took to the prom, and football on the big screen. All those not-so-subtle images of drinking and the promise of sex, all those messages that are about as subtle as a padded bra.

Which brings us back to the frozen T-shirt contest.

"The prize is a skydiving trip, if you're more than willing to break your neck," Gresh says.

Already, Gresh has spent the first half giving away an assortment of prizes, an assortment of shirts, cups, and stickers. Or as Gresh says, "If I were giving away a bucket of spit people would be lined up."

And if Gresh didn't exist, then Hooters would have had to invent him. If he weren't the host, rest assured he'd be sitting in the audience chasing down some wings with some brewskis, talking to anyone who would listen that there's no way in this big, bad world the Chargers are going to beat the Dolphins on this particular night. Not too many people like football more than Andy Gresh.

And it's more than the fact that he once played at URI. Or that at 6-foot-5, 320 pounds, he looks like he should be in the middle of the Pats' line somewhere. He's a believer.

"People dig Monday night football," he says, his voice rising for emphasis. "On Sunday you get emotionally involved with your team. Monday night is a party."

He looks around, a quick inventory.

"There's a lot of regulars here," he says. "See that table over there? That's where "Degenerate Mike" and his buddies sit. I'm always throwing them under the bus."

On the big screen the camera is on Lisa Guerrero, ABC's sideline reporter who, rest assured, is not on because she understands the Dolphins' blitz package.

"Every time there's a bad Lisa Guerrero standup there's another prize," Gresh says over the microphone.

The prizes keep coming.

The Hooters girls keep pushing the wings and beers.

The Dolphins and Chargers are on all the TVs.

"It's like hanging out in a locker room," Gresh says.

Well, not quite.

There are no Hooters girls in locker rooms.

With only a few exceptions, they're the only women in the place, eye candy, right there with the wings and the pitchers of beer.

One is Lindsey, the second half of "Picks With Chicks."

Is she a football fan?

"Not really," she says, looking around at the tables of guys who watch the game as if who wins is really important. "I really don't know why guys like it."

But they do.

Monday night religion.

Gresh watches as four guys struggle to put frozen T-shirts on. They bang them repeatedly on the floor. Then they take their shirts off, struggle to put the frozen T-shirts on.

"You're the winner, dude," says Gresh.

It's halftime, the game is a rout, Miami well in control.

"Do you ever watch the game?" Gresh is asked.

"Not a lot," he says.

No matter.

The Hooters girls are still bringing the platters of wings and pitchers of beer. The prizes have been given out. The second half is about to start. Just another Monday night at Hooters on Airport Road.

Are you ready for some FOOTBALL?