WE LIVE in a make-over world. New reports tell us that men seeking Botox treatment may soon outnumber the women. However, for women, the makeover goes beyond faces, clothes or redecorating. The new “change” chant is accompanied by finger-pointing at their men. This is not about trading them for younger, thinner, smarter, richer, but rather accepting the words of psychologist Helen Fisher, who, in a Today Show interview, said, “If you can train a pigeon, you can train a man.”

As we enter the New Year, the makeover mantra continues. Single women still believe they can turn confirmed bachelors into marriage material. And while married women hum “Stand by your man,” there is a caveat. The men must learn money-management skills, help with housework or children, and spend less time surfing the sports channels.

Patrick Tracey, author of Stalking Irish Madness: Searching for the Roots of My Family’s Schizophrenia ( www.stalkingirishmadness.com), tells us, “While men can and do change, we tend not to do it with a gun to our heads. The best a woman can do is to give up on us and go find a guy who’s already made his changes.”

Schizophrenia, a chronic and severe brain disorder, is characterized by hallucinations and delusions that can trigger fears, immobilization or agitation.

Because of his concern about the family schizophrenia, Tracey decided against having children. “Yet for a while there, all I was meeting were women in their late 30s or early 40s who were running out of eggs any day now,” he said. “I tried to tell them that I was not daddy material given my questionable gene bank, and drinking problem, but for the most part they did not want to hear it.”

With his drinking, he said, “Every girlfriend nagged me silly and invariably I’d move on — not from the drink, but from them. I became something of a serial monogamist. It wasn’t until I was all alone that I decided to make the change myself. I quit drinking seven years ago and know in my core that it never would have happened with someone bugging me about it or waiting around for me to do it for them. It doesn’t work that way. As selfish as it may sound to some, we have to make the change for ourselves.”

Women who want to make over their man often have unrealistic expectations, according to a Journal of Personality and Social Psychology article several years ago. Their frustration leads to nagging, sharp voices and criticism. There is a better way. Husband-training, basic behavior modification used by animal trainers on killer whales and baboons, is advocated by Amy Sutherland in her book, What Shamu Taught Me About Life, Love, and Marriage: Lessons from Animals and Their Trainers.

Want an example of how rewarding positive behavior works while nagging would be a waste of time? Look at the sea lions that are balancing balls on their noses. Positive behavior is rewarded while negative behavior is ignored.

Author Christina Gombar (www.christinagombar.com) worked on Wall Street and remembers the last couple of market crashes. She says, “Take the money issues so many people are facing today. As I get older, I realize to what extent I absorbed my mother’s Depression-era sense of deprivation. I used to be critical of my husband, who frets if our house is not bursting with good food and wine eaten in great quantity — as did my mother. I could eat yogurt and eggs for a week. Now I realize that when a person works hard they need to indulge in one area of their lives. Peter suffers if he can’t have a nice light fixture or shirt, whereas I’m thrilled if I can get things cheap or free. I enjoy a meal out more if it’s a good deal.”

She says that “people with opposite money styles, who are willing to accept each other, can wind up learning from each other, adjust their extremes, and eventually work out their differences in a complementary way.” But she acknowledges that marital compromise is difficult.

With and without expectations of change — folks continue to marry and divorce. Paul Sapir, M.D., a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry and human behavior at Brown, says he is often reminded of words heard early in his career: “Remember, once you get married it doesn’t go home.”

Rita Watson ( www.ritawatson.com ) is a monthly contributor and syndicated daily blogger.