O Papelbon, O Papelbon,

Thy fastball does amaze us.

O Papelbon, O Papelbon,

To new heights does it raise us.

When it’s hard and letter-high

It hums in tight and buzzes by.

O Papelbon, O Papelbon,

Thy fastball does amaze us.

But Papelbon, O Papelbon,

How sorry is thy dancing.

O Papelbon, O Papelbon,

Improve that awful prancing!

On the mound thou comes up big,

But spare us, please, that Irish jig.

O Papelbon, O Papelbon,

How sorry is thy dancing.

O Papelbon, O Papelbon,

We love thy boyish smile.

But Papelbon, O Papelbon,

Thou needs to change thy style.

Please kindly lose that fat cigar,

And put away thy air guitar.

O Papelbon, O Papelbon,

We love thy boyish smile.

O Papelbon, O Papelbon,

Thy pitches do sustain us.

But Papelbon, O Papelbon,

Thy wardrobe it does drain us!

With other teams all wilted now,

We’re forced to see thee kilted now.

O Papelbon, O Papelbon,

Thy pitches do sustain us.

O Papelbon, O Papelbon,

Despite this carping carol,

O Papelbon, O Papelbon,

No matter thy apparel!

For all that we could care,

Pitch in thy underwear!

O Papelbon O Papelbon,

Thy fastball does amaze us!

—Gerry Goldstein

* To the tune of O Tannebaum