Journal archives

WHEN I WAS a senior at St. John’s High School in Shrewsbury, Mass., my tough yet beloved basketball coach, Joe Lane, left no doubt about personal responsibility and a consistent application of the rules to all players — whether starters or substitutes.

In the locker room before an important road game, I told Mr. Lane, “My mother forgot to pack my red uniform socks.”

“It’s not your mother’s responsibility to pack your socks, it’s yours,” he admonished. “You’re out of uniform and you’re not starting tonight.”

When I reacted with youthful impertinence, Mr. Lane informed me, “You won’t start the next game either.”

During that game I was quite upset with his decision, but I later appreciated that team rules are incontestable, and that personal responsibility is part of the team commitment. And, I never again forgot those long red stretch socks!

Because of firm and fair coaches like Joe Lane, I believe that the sports experience can help a child navigate the all-important journey to self reliance. But for this to happen, parents must adhere to a pair of simple guiding principles:

On matters of playing time and strategy, stay out.

On matters of ethics or injuries, jump in.

If a child is playing for a coach who is using unethical practices to win, a parent not only has the right but the obligation to be heard. The same is true if a child is injured.

But on those matters that pertain to playing time and strategy, the parents’ job is to serve as “counselors of wisdom,” to teach their child about self-reliance; to teach their child to deal proportionally with problems and disappointment. These are the skills that will serve our youth well as they negotiate life’s inevitable challenges.

I believe that while striving for proficiency in sports or the arts or other realms ennobles the lives of our children — and our own — a child’s aspirations must be grounded by two anchors — character development and training of the mind.

One or both of these critical “anchor traits” may easily be slighted by the intense, hyper-focused sports specialist. The fast train of athletic success thrusts too many athletes into a corrosive cycle that neglects either character development or academic achievement — or both — and the price our children pay is steep.

The objective of a parent is not to suppress a child’s desire to excel — but rather to support the desire by making sure that these two anchors are safely moored.

I also believe that the lesson plan of sport must be presented incrementally. At the outset, joy and exploration should be the centerpieces. If a youngster decides to scale the competitive ladder, each rung will present parents with a chance to impart lessons of fair play, self-restraint and selfless ambition.

Joe Lane taught me how sport can be an invaluable venue for life lessons. I believe that sports parents who are committed to these principles can make a powerful contribution to a child’s development, and to society as a whole.

Daniel E. Doyle Jr. is founder and executive director of the Institute for International Sport, at the University of Rhode Island, and author of The Encyclopedia of Sports Parenting.