01:00 AM EDT on Sunday, June 26, 2005

YOU KNOW THE QUIP: A wife is asked on her silver anniversary whether she has ever contemplated divorce. "Divorce, never," she replies. "Murder, frequently."

That sums up the truth about long-term marriages. Their success doesn't rely on everybody's being compatible or happy or a champ in the sack. The people who stay married are the people who won't consider divorce.

This sounds circular, I know, but it's the case. And programs that seek to promote or save marriages must appreciate this reality. For the moment that divorce becomes a card on the table, there will be a temptation to play it.

Oklahoma sponsors workshops to help couples develop the personal skills needed to weather the rough patches. Worth a try. An ability to handle anger could certainly help disperse the storm clouds. But when a spouse blows up with rage -- and the best of us do -- true commitment is the only glue that can hold things together.

Several states have passed laws letting couples opt for a stricter kind of union, called a covenant marriage. The covenant marriage often requires the bride and groom to undergo premarital counseling. If the couple later wants to break up, it must first see a marital counselor. And the grounds for divorce may be limited to such events as adultery, abuse, abandonment for a year or conviction of a felony.

But what can withstand the modern love of freedom? An unhappy partner can get out of covenant marriage quicker than Houdini could pick the lock on a piggy bank. Abandonment for a year is quite doable -- it's already standard in many uncontested divorces. And making adultery grounds for divorce is asking for trouble.

Marriage counseling, meanwhile, can do only so much. By the time the angry couple decides to hire a therapist, it's usually too late. Couples in distress wait an average of six years before seeking help, according to the Relationship Research Institute, in Seattle.

And in going through the reasons for discontent, therapists often unwittingly add fuel to the fire. The list of potential grievances is bottomless: He won't celebrate birthdays; she's gotten fat; he doesn't help with the children. Therapy can take lots of little stuff and roll it into one big unhappy ending.

The therapist inevitably asks, "Do you want to spend the next 30 years living like this?" The livid spouse replies, "No." Next stop: divorce court.

But for the person truly dedicated to staying married, the answer is somewhat different. It is "I don't want to spend the next 30 years living like this, but I'm going to do it anyway."

People marry for different reasons now than they did two generations ago, which helps account for today's higher divorce rates. Marriage used to be about economics and child rearing, according to David Popenoe, co-director of the National Marriage Project, at Rutgers University. Now it's a love-based decision.

For over 50 years, The Ladies' Home Journal has run a column called "Can This Marriage Be Saved?" Consider the changes. In 1954, the typical conflict was: "She's ashamed of the house. He won't give her the money to fix it up." In 2003, it's "She's jealous of her stepdaughter."

Finding money for new wallpaper is not impossible. But re-creating That Old Black Magic month after month is. After a while, the flame of passion dims into an occasional spark, if the couple is lucky. And restoring it is beyond the powers of Shakespeare, Dr. Phil or Barry White.

Because the high divorce rate weeds out bad marriages, some people believe that surviving unions today are on average stronger than they were in the past. Not true, according to Popenoe. His studies show that marriages today are, if anything, a bit less happy than they were 20 or 30 years ago. Work stress is a big reason.

But this is not necessarily bad news for couples struggling to stay together. Sometimes it helps knowing that one is not supposed to be happy all the time.

Two dear friends recently marked their 55th anniversary. I asked the husband whether they ever wanted to strangle one another. He said, "Yes, like last night." But they're married for life, and that's it.

The couple that stays together is the couple that stays together.

Froma Harrop is a Journal editorial writer and syndicated columnist. She may be reached by e-mail at: fharrop [at] projo.com