08:29 AM EDT on Thursday, October 27, 2005

Rhode Islanders can look across into Massachusetts and watch -- with fascination, hope and horror -- front-line struggles over gay marriage.

Indeed, I spoke recently with a Providence couple with a personal stake in the battles.

Meet Wendy Becker, 44, and Mary Norton, 45. They are one of the same-sex pairs from outside of Massachusetts who have brought a suit because they were denied wedding licenses even though gay marriage is legal there. With Becker and Norton in the audience, the Bay State's Supreme Judicial Court heard arguments on Oct. 6 in their challenge to a 1913 Massachusetts law that forbids nonresidents to marry there if such unions are not recognized in their home states.

Recalling the hearing, Becker said, "There was a real sense, for me anyway, this was a historic moment. I think everybody felt it."

Becker teaches at Rhode Island College's social work school. Norton is director of research administration for Brown University's division of biology and medicine.

In practical or legal terms, it's unclear how much a marriage in Massachusetts might benefit Becker and Norton in Rhode Island. But there certainly would be symbolism. For example, Becker said, it would send a message to their two kids "that our relationship is as important as any relationship their friends' parents have."

Some might wonder why a couple doesn't just move to Massachusetts and get hitched. But Becker said, "Nobody should have to change their residence to get married. . . . We have children; we wouldn't uproot them. We have family and friends and a support system. We love Providence. The idea is not to move us, it's to move the system along so it's there for everyone."

Amen.

Becker is Jewish. Norton grew up Catholic but doesn't identify with a religion these days. I asked her about another front in the Massachusetts gay-marriage wars. Such weddings became legal in 2004 after a Supreme Judicial Court ruling. But now, with the Catholic Church taking a leading role, opponents are circulating petitions to put a constitutional ban on gay marriage on the 2008 ballot.

What does Norton think of the church's involvement? "They could spend their time on much better pursuits than on trying to ban people who love each other from getting married," she said.

The Catholic Church has its own problems it could be addressing. And, yes, that church, or any other in the campaign, is entitled to its beliefs and to marry only heterosexuals. But no one is forcing any church to bless same-sex couples.

This is a tough, tough situation. I was struck by an Oct. 3 Boston Globe report about Catholic parishioners wrestling with the issue of whether to support the referendum drive:

"One woman at the cathedral, who did not want to give her name, said she planned to sign the petition even though it was hard for her because her daughter is gay.

" 'It should be between a man and a woman,' she said of marriage. Of her daughter, she said, 'I pray for her every day. I respect her. I'll never stop loving her. I'll never stop praying for her.' "

I don't question the depth of this mother's love -- or the sincerity of her beliefs, which are shared by some other parents of gays. But if I had a gay daughter or son, I'd want that child to have the same chance to find happiness in marriage, with the same rights and prestige, that society bestows on anyone else. If I felt otherwise, I'd be asking, "What's wrong with me?" and praying for help for myself.

M. Charles Bakst, The Journal's political columnist, can be reached by e-mail at mbakst [at] projo.com