You may know by now that the official rules say no man is allowed to wear swim trunks higher than 4 inches above the knee.

Or wear spandex.

Or sign a birthday card with a smiley face.

These are some of the “Man-Laws” set forth in the Miller beer commercials by a council of real men, including Burt Reynolds, football star Jerome Bettis and a TV wrestler named Mr. H.

Other laws:

No man will order a wine spritzer.

Or own a dog smaller than a football.

Or ever quicken his pace on hot sand.

I went online and found that Miller beer has a Web site on this that among other things rebukes men around the country who have violated tenets of man-dom.

One man was disqualified as a camper because he used a generator.

Another referred to a movie theater as a “cinema.”

And a third – this one is really bad – used a ring tone from a ’90s boy band.

It got me remembering times I’ve violated man-laws. I grew up as one of five boys and together, inexplicably, we named two household dachshunds “Daisy” and “Rosebud.” I don’t know what we were thinking.

Also, I still bring my baseball mitt to ball games. I don’t like beer.

And I’ve been known to commit one of the gravest violations: I cry at movies. Well, not cry, but I sometimes wipe my eyes. The worst part is I do it at the happy parts. I’m thinking of seeing somebody about it.

Apparently, the Man-Law commercials drew inspiration from an article called “The Code” that ran a few years ago in Maxim magazine.

Its edicts included:

If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem – you didn’t see anything.

And here’s a major one: No man shall ever rent the movie Chocolat.

I noticed the Miller Web site has a “Manlawpedia” that showcases the laws of men, and is open to suggestions.

So today, I thought I’d propose a few for the council’s consideration:

Umbrellas should never be used in a drizzle, only a downpour, and they must always be black.

No man shall use more than one kind of skin cream. Having separate products for your face, hands and body is against the rules.

A salad is not an entrée.

The man gets rid of the dead mouse.

And makes the fires.

No man may ever say, “That hurts my feelings.”

There is no shame in putting ketchup on steak or lamb chops.

Any jewelry beyond a wedding ring and watch requires approval from the council.

Same with the decision to live alone with a cat.

No man shall use the words “delicious” or “wonderful.”

Or ``mauve.”

Easy on the cologne.

T-shirts are never to be perfectly folded and stacked in drawers.

No man shall ever take more suitcases on a trip than his woman.

Never relinquish control of the remote.

The man lifts the heavy stuff.

Sweaters cannot be draped over the back with the arms tied across the chest.

No man shall wash his hands after petting a dog.

A limp handshake is grounds for expulsion from the gender.

Shopping with girlfriends or wives is permitted, but you can’t enjoy it.

Aprons only worn while grilling.

Men don’t take bubble baths.

Or color their hair.

Every man shall own a cordless drill.

No man shall use mousse.

Men don’t weasel out of things; they own up.

Only the woman says, “We have to talk.”

Finally, though obligated to put up with drama from time to time, men shall never originate it.

Men also shall keep it brief, so I’ll wind down here, but if I’ve left any out, please let me know.

Meanwhile, I’m worried I may have another violation. Excuse me while I go home and measure the length of my swim trunks.

mpatinkin@projo.com / 401 277-7370