The driver is handing out paper fans bearing the name of a local funeral home as passengers board the Clemency Coach for its summer run. It will be hot on the highway and the closest thing to air conditioning the coach has ever had is a bucket of ice with a battery-powered fan blowing across it. So the driver hands out the hand-powered versions to provide some relief during the long run ahead.

The coach makes four seasonal runs a year to take people away when it becomes obvious that they need some time and space to consider the things they’ve done.

Boarding has begun. Passengers should move all the way to the back or until they see someone they know who is already on board.

Please yell “Rhody Ready” as your name is called:

• The Dealer: If you’re going to deal drugs and rip off the welfare system at the same time, a low profile is definitely in order. A rusted 10-year-old Taurus might be the perfect set of wheels. But a Porsche? A Porsche tends to indicate some extra income.

• The Dealer: And while we’re at it, you probably never thought of all those people who are legitimately trying to make ends meet on a welfare check and now have to deal with all the snickering cheap shots because of you and your nifty ride.

• The Devil With The Blue Dress On: OK, it might have been a red dress, or slacks and a shirt. But you were taking pictures with your cell phone during the Diana Krall concert at PPAC, and it was really tacky and rude and inconsiderate.

• Governor Carcieri: Multiple Clemency Coach qualifiers here: First, there’s that veto of medical marijuana. Medical marijuana is here, it works, it helps people. Consider the possibility that your state is running just a little bit ahead of the pack on this one. Then there’s that greeting for President Bush at Quonset Point. Do we have one of those man crush things going on here?

• Sen. Paul Moura: 24-hour gambling at the slot parlors? Do you really want to think about what Twin River will look like at 2 a.m. on a Wednesday in February?

• The President’s Guy: Nice little bit of free speech mugging down there at Quonset Point, fella. So President Bush landed for his first presidential trip ever to Rhode Island. And reporters showed up as reporters will. And Jarrod Holbrook, of Channel 12, yelled to get the president’s attention and you pulled his press credentials? Are you really under strict orders to protect the president from the hazards of opening his mouth?

• Brad Turchetta: Actually, we never really wanted to come to your house in East Greenwich even if your Uncle Buddy is hanging out there.

• Sen. David Vitter: The Republican from Louisiana is a strict family values kind of guy. He’s all about living clean and thinking clean. The problem is, he was hanging out with hookers. And they weren’t even Louisiana hookers, which might have given him some claim on helping the post-Katrina recovery. The man is the poster boy for the two faces of national politics.

• The Procaccianti Group, Dunkin’ Donuts, GTECH, Alan Shawn Feinstein: No, you can’t buy the law school at Roger Williams University and put your name on it.

• The Roger Williams University Board of Trustees Minus Three: You could have avoided the whole Ralph Papitto embarrassment. Some common sense, some good taste and you just might have been able to allow the man a graceful exit.

• Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez: Now that Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse has worked you over and laid you out as a complete incompetent, why not show some small sense of shame and leave?

• Sen. Joseph Montalbano: You and your lawyer can do that legal fandango as long as you want, but that combination of the casino vote and the work your firm did for West Warwick is always going to have a funny smell.

That’s the passenger list for this run of the Clemency Coach. Those from Rhode Island and those from outside the state are urged to get acquainted. Passengers on previous runs have found that, once they get to talking they realize that the same silly mistakes can get a person in trouble almost anywhere.

bkerr@projo.com