The Clemency Coach doesn’t take reservations. It doesn’t work that way. But if it did, the spring run would probably be booked months in advance. There’s something about pulling down those cracked, yellowed windows and letting the springtime scents of forsythia and lilac and diesel fuel waft in that makes this run so special. And coming off a hard, dreary winter filled with discontent, a ride down the road on this bus to nowhere seems the ideal way to ease into the new season.

The Coach makes four seasonal runs to give people the opportunity to put some time and distance between themselves and some regrettable behavior. Passengers are selected not only for their brazen performance but for their near total lack of shame.

It is time to board. As always, bystanders are asked not to shout offensive things at those waiting to get on the Coach.

Passengers are asked to line up according to the number of times they’ve been mentioned in embarrassing news stories in the last three months.

The passenger list:

• The Rhode Island General Assembly: Come on, pull your heads out from under the public spout and pony up for your health insurance.

• Roger Clemens: Maybe not the Baseball Hall of Fame, but definitely the Country Music Hall of Fame.

• Sal DiMasi: So it looks as though a speaker of the House is using his influence to help out his friends. And he’s not even from Rhode Island.

• The Barrington Kid: He’s getting busted, he’s on his cell phone, he’s calling Mom and Dad to call a lawyer. He’s back in the high life again.

• South County Hospital: Let’s see, you had this sleep technician named Jennie Angell, and she asks you for an additional six weeks of leave to deal with the stress brought on by her son’s three tours in Iraq. You not only turn her down, you fire her. That’s just not what we’re looking for on the home front, is it?

• David Richardson: The small-business owner of the month as chosen by the America First-English As The Official Language-Round ’Em Up and Send ‘Em Home Coalition of Southern New England. When he heard two men in Rhode Island Refrigeration, his business in Providence, speaking Spanish, Richardson demanded to see their Social Security cards and threatened to call immigration authorities. It turns out both men are citizens, but that didn’t stop some fire-breathing patriots from hailing Richardson as a hero.

• Maj. Gen. Robert T. Bray: Really, this is not Task Force Zulu X-Ray Kilo Bravo Delta, the one that sends in people in wet suits and greasepaint to blow things up. It’s the Rhode Island National Guard, and all this secrecy and super-tight security looks a little silly.

• Barbara Walters: There are some things we just don’t need to know about.

• Channel 6 News: From the people who brought us the Cooked Crime Stats blockbuster comes Teachers Gone Wild, which isn’t really news and has no local connection but does provide the opportunity to toss a fleshy tease into the mix. All this and Buddy, too.

• Dr. Robert Jarvik: The inventor of the artificial heart is a doctor, but he doesn’t have a license to practice medicine and he isn’t the guy rowing the racing shell in the Lipitor TV commercial, even though we’re supposed to think he is. As a pitchman, Jarvik has no heart.

• Charles Gibson and George Stephanopoulos: Was there anything too petty and irrelevant to throw into that last Clinton-Obama debate?

• Dana Perino: That attempt to explain the “Mission Accomplished” banner on the fifth anniversary of its infamous appearance on the aircraft carrier made about as much sense as the war itself. Being President Bush’s press secretary must really push your language skills to the max.

• Frank “Bobo” Marrapese: Oops, not available for this run.

• The Rhode Island Brotherhood of Correctional Officers: Sometimes known as prison guards, this group came out in strong opposition to proposals to decrease Rhode Island’s prison population. It’s called the “Keep Your Bread and Butter In The Slammer” response.

The Clemency Coach is full. Passengers are asked to put all carryon luggage in the overhead chicken wire and settle in for what promises to be a fine run through the greening countryside. Translators will be on board for those who don’t understand.

bkerr@projo.com