01:00 AM EDT on Thursday, April 27, 2006

I was watching Bill Cosby perform onstage before 1,500 people, about half of who were male.

He asked if there were any husbands out there who ran their household.

Only one guy raised his hand.

Cosby walked over to him and said, as I recall, "Oh, really? So you think you decide?"

The guy nodded confidently. He had final say on everything.

Okay, Cosby had one question.

"Who chose the wallpaper for your bathrooms?"

The guy thought about this, and all it implied. Then he acknowledged he wasn't in charge after all.

I bring this up because the New York Times just had a front page story on who runs marriages. It was based on President Bush recently declaring, "I'm the decider." He was talking about keeping Donald Rumsfeld as Secretary of Defense, but the Times said it had gotten people debating who is the "decider" between husbands and wives. The Times being the Times, the article claimed marital "say" is often split.

This of course is nonsense.

Ask any man, "Who decides in your marriage?" Most will say, "Who do you think?"

One husband I talked to did add hopefully, "I like to think I would make a decision if I were ever called upon to do it."

Another man said, "I get the illusion of being able to decide." Women are smart that way. They keep the power by making us think we have some.

I asked a woman the same question: Who's the decider?

She did not have to think.

"Me."

She made it clear that's how it should be in a marriage. Then she added she sometimes gets tired of it. When she and her husband are trying to choose a restaurant, does he always have to say, "I don't care, really"?

See? This is why it's hard to be a man. First they train us to follow, then they get mad at us for not leading.

Most men don't even get to decide how to dress every day. When we do, our wives will often say, "You're not going to wear that, are you?"

Imagine a man saying that to a woman.

Even at restaurants, I'll sometimes hand over decision power on what I order.

I'll look across the table and say, "I forget, do I like halibut?"

I don't mean to make husbands sound like supplicants. To be honest, there are many areas that are my domain.

For example, I get to decide when to wrap up the garbage in the kitchen and take it to the cans outside.

I also make the decision to leave the area as soon as the dishwasher "finished" light is on.

And I'm in charge of light-bulb replacement. Most husbands are. Recently, I tried to test my wife. We have a bathroom with two sinks, a light on either side, and hers burnt out. Being the lightbulb decider, I didn't replace it, trying to see how long it would take her to do so. But she cheated. She took the bulb from my side, forcing me to retrieve another from the garage.

I'm nominally in charge of home repairs. I once knew a single woman who was quite happy in that state until she bought her own house. She then got interested in finding a husband. I asked her why. Love? Companionship? Security?

"Home repairs," she said.

But even that has limits. Recently, without prior approval, I decided we needed sashes for some living room drapes. When I told my wife I planned to do this, she sat me down and informed me that for the rest of our lives together, I will never, ever have anything to say about window treatments. She had a point.

I used to be in charge of the remote control, but with a daughter in the house, I'm outnumbered, and am routinely forced to watch shows with names like, America's Next Top Model.

As a couple gets older, the wife's power as decider only increases.

My parents are 81 and 79, and one of their grandsons recently observed of my father, "Poor guy. He hasn't gotten to call a play in, like, 10 years."

As I've observed before, my dad now only asks two questions: "Where are we going?" And, "What should I wear?"

He tells me he's fine with this, and even enjoys being pushed by my mom to go out to various speeches and performances.

"Really?" I said.

"Absolutely," my dad said. "It gives me a chance to nap."

I once asked if there's any area where he's a decider.

He nodded. When your mother's not around, he said, he decides to sneak a cigar.

Typical?

Well, let's see a show of hands.

How many husbands out there consider themselves the decider?

Anyone?

I didn't think so.

mpatinkin@projo.com / (401) 277-7370