You may feel Afghanistan and the economy are key issues these days, but you’re wrong.

The breaking news is that David Letterman has a love child.

And Liz Taylor has three months to live.

Also — Jennifer Aniston drunk-dialed Brad Pitt.

If you are like me, while in the checkout line, you glance at supermarket tabloids, but are above buying them.

Yet they have millions in circulation — bigger than mainstream papers. At least by numbers, that means I’m missing the real print news.

So I decided to buy the big four: The Globe, Enquirer, Examiner and Star. I’ve studied them and I’m here to pass on what’s really going on.

I should first say that my favorite is now gone. It was called the Weekly World News. It had great stories that other news organizations missed. For example, one noted headline said, “Satan Captured by GIs in Iraq.” The New York Times missed that story. Another WWN piece revealed that Dick Cheney is a robot, and included a picture of him separating the skin over his rib area to show machinery. It was an exclusive. A third revealed that Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden once had a gay relationship. And I still remember my favorite — an astonishing first-person narrative: “Bigfoot Stole My Wife.”

Thankfully, the other tabs are still here, so let’s start with the big story in this week’s Enquirer. It opened with a careful, low-key sentence:

“A boozy Jennifer Aniston drunk-dialed Brad Pitt, and got the shock of her life when Angelina Jolie answered — a Jen insider told the Enquirer.” There were photos of the two women talking angrily on cell phones, presumably to each other. It’s amazing the Enquirer got live shots of the exchange. Were I Bill Keller, editor of The New York Times, I would be livid that my reporters did not have equally good contacts with “Jen insiders.”

I moved on to The Globe. The cover featured “breaking news” as follows: “Letterman — Love Child Shocker!” I don’t know where the Wall Street Journal has been on this story, but this was the first I’d seen of it. These tabs do make you work to find the story inside; as I turned the pages, I saw surprising news about American Idol’s first season winner. The headline said: “Kelley Clarkson becoming a man?” I had not known she was planning that.

Then I found the piece on Letterman’s love child. But on close inspection of the “steamy details” about his “rampant womanizing,” I realized I’d failed as a reader. I somehow assumed “Love child shocker” meant he had one. In fact, the story said one of Letterman’s paramours “wanted to have his baby.” It’s no doubt my fault that I jumped to conclusions, as I’m sure The Globe did not intend a misleading headline.

I turned next to the National Examiner, looking for news on Federal Reserve policy and Iran’s nuclear intentions, but found a far more important lead: “Dolly Tragedy: Face paralyzed by too much plastic surgery.”

I turned inside to look for details, leafing by ads for such things as a four-inch high sculpture of an M&M dressed as Elvis, but soon got sidetracked.

First, there was the story of the UFO filmed in China for 40 minutes — Scientific American staffers should be ashamed they missed that news. Then I found a piece that took a refreshingly healthy approach to obesity. “Weight gain ISN’T your fault — it’s a virus.” With relief, I took out a carton of Oreo ice cream as I continued to read.

Then there was this breaking news: “Gals prefer shopping to sex — Survey.” Apparently, 15,000 women were asked which of the two things they liked more. The Examiner quoted a typical respondent named Leah Keith: “It would make me very happy if I could shop and that was all I had to do.” As a man, it made me guilty that sex is something women feel they have to do. I hadn’t known that. It’s another positive about these tabs — they are educational.

I didn’t have time to get to the Dolly Parton face-paralyzed story, because by now I was on to the Star, which had huge news: “Khloe and Lamar Over Already.” I think that means basketball star Lamar Odom, who used to play for URI, and his new bride, Khloe Kardashian, who is famous for reasons experts still have not determined.

Later pages revealed even more compelling news. For example, there is now a Snuggie for dogs. There was also news about Jon and Kate. They are another couple famous for unknown reasons. I didn’t read it, but if you are a supermarket tab, I think the Federal Communications Commission can close you down if you don’t have at least one Jon and Kate story per issue.

Finished, I turned back to The New York Times, where I found this headline: “NATO Defense Ministers Endorse Wider Afghan Effort.” And this: “Senate Leader Pushes Public Insurance Plan.”

Not a word about Letterman’s love child.

It’s a disgrace.

mpatinkin@projo.com