Thoughts at large:

•Aside from the health concerns, getting swine flu can’t be good for your self-esteem.

•I used to want a Pulitzer Prize, but now I’m scared if I win one, Kanye West will grab the mike during my acceptance speech and say I didn’t deserve it.

•When did hotels start guilt-tripping you about using too many towels?

•I don’t see Bill Belichick as the guy who starts dancing with a lampshade on his head.

•Is there a more ineffective product than the coffee stirrer?

•You know the way spoiled super-stars ask for a bowl of M&M’s with all the brown ones removed? I don’t get that. If you like chocolate, why remove the brown ones?

•I miss Octomom.

•You ever have one of those mornings where you wake up feeling like Gregor Samsa? (If you don’t know the reference, Google it.)

•To my embarrassment, I caught myself flexing in the bathroom mirror the other day. Who in their 50s does that?

•Will someone explain the point of suspending someone with pay? And what misconduct will get me that deal?

•Am I the only one who thinks that at $100 for each duplicate, car keys with security chips were a bad idea?

•There’s no question half the wires under my computer desk are now pointless, but I wouldn’t know where to start.

•Left on my voicemail at work: “This is just an old lady. My husband passed away 13 years ago, but never in his life did he wear a hat to the table with me. And I think that’s terrible about the boys today.”

•I’m thinking Mr. Magoo had early Alzheimer’s.

• I know a man who suffered the ultimate rejection: His kids un-friended him on Facebook because he was reading their walls.

•Some say life’s greatest dilemmas involve the choice of a spouse or career, but I think the harder decision is when a menu has both strawberry shortcake and banana cream pie.

•So now when you call VISA, you don’t get an “agent” anymore — you get an “advisor.”

•Cranking up the AC when it’s 98 and a humid in August is fine until you open the electric bill when it’s 60 in September.

•Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.

•Do you believe there’s a guy named Morris Glaser in New Bedford who runs a glass installation company?

•Is there a man alive who likes to hear the phrase, “I want you to just hold me”?

•A female told me that judging an actress’s looks by red carpet photographs is “not fair” — the real story is a candid.

•Are there any men left in America who wear nightcaps to bed?

•If so, what’s their problem?

•Don’t you love people who brag of “winning” the stuffed animal at the fair, after spending $40 on darts.

•When a woman boasts about wearing “non-fussy clothes,” is that her way of trying not to acknowledge that she dresses badly?

•A caller responded this way to my suggestion that women should tell their clothing stores to install chairs for men: “Yeah, well guess what, Bozo? You want us to get chairs — we’re not doing it. Don’t marry us.”

•By the time they’re half-empty, most honey jars are just an ugly situation.

•Is it just me, or do Harley riders all now look like they’re members of AARP?

•I’m still kind of afraid of them though; probably the leather jackets.

•Sign of the end of civilization: There are now fantasy video game teams where you pick players known for being “sick” at Xbox.

•Am I the only one who has minimal interest in letters addressed to “current resident”?

•You know how old people drive painfully slow? Shouldn’t they drive faster because they have less time left?

•I don’t think Easy Mac is easy enough.

And finally:

•Line of the week, picked up from an acquaintance: “Life has scarred me for life.”

mpatinkin@projo.com