I saw that the General Assembly is racing to the end of its legislative session with thousands of bills backlogged, but only 51 passed as of the weekend. The key issues this year have ranged from gay marriage to indoor prostitution to a ban on cell phones while driving.

I don’t want to burden the legislature with more work, but it occurs to me there are key local matters that still need to be addressed. So today, I’d like to urge the House and Senate to consider some of the following bills:

• CHAPTER 24-14 Blackjack Table Control Act.

“No person, firm, corporation or association shall establish, operate or maintain a blackjack table at any state casino facility — I meant to say “recreational betting” facility — since we are a high-minded people who do not tolerate casinos, and those thousands of slot machines at Twin River and Newport Grand don’t count since there are no table games there. Be it hereby decreed on authority of this General Assembly that Rhode Island is not Las Vegas or Atlantic City, and we would be shocked, shocked, to find there was casino gambling going on in our establishments.”

• CHAPTER 20-16. Emergency Acquisition of Supplies Act.

All residents of this state shall be required, upon a weather report predicting snowfall of any amount, to proceed to nearby dispensaries to stock up on bread, milk and batteries due to an ongoing case of statewide post-traumatic stress disorder resulting from failure to do same during the Blizzard of ’78. Further, residents shall be asked to buy out all snow-melt and shovels from facilities that sell them, including CVS stores.

• CHAPTER 20-17. Being An Act Related to Further Institutionalizing Inappropriate Panic in Weather Situations.

Upon days where snow is forecast to begin falling heavily at noon, licensed businesses and public institutions within this state shall simultaneously release employees at 12:30 p.m., thereby guaranteeing traffic back-ups that shall obstruct plows, and lead to impassable highways, especially for children on school buses. In later weeks, overreacting to the aforesaid situation, state and city governments will urge all businesses to shut down in advance of the next predicted snowfall, which will then peter-out without result, and maybe the sun will even come out.

• CHAPTER 37-19. Proper Means of Reference to Cuisine, and Consumption Thereof.

All residents, in keeping with local tastes, shall put coffee in their milk instead of the other way around, shall drink said milk to address heartburn after consuming New York System wieners prepared “all the way,” shall inform friends of plans to cook pasta sauce by saying, “I’m making a gravy,” shall regard cakes as something made with clams instead of frosting, or preceded by the word “jonny,” shall further never regard a cabinet as a piece of furniture or a grinder as a shop tool, shall understand such terms as “stuffies,” “doughboys,” “gaggers” and “dynamites,” but despite years of celebrating it as the state shellfish and even boasting of it to faraway friends as the local symbol, residents shall still have no clear idea of the difference between a quahog and a clam.

• CHAPTER 73-18. An Act Protecting Our English from Being Corrupted by Other People’s Accents.

Unless otherwise specified by regulations adopted by the department of local linguistic preservation, words such as “anchor,” “chowder” and “tar” shall be pronounced “anka,” “chowda” and “tah,” with the dropped “R’s” added to such words as “parka,” “pasta” and “idea.” In addition, words such as “wouldn’t,” “kitten” and “button,” shall be separated by a glottal-stop and pronounced, “wou’int,” “kih’in” and “buh’in.” The phrase “both of you” shall be rendered into “d’boatayuz,” and potato shall be “bah-day-dah.” The word “pattern” shall be pronounced like the name of a famous World War II general. Pawtucket Red Sox players who fumble an easy grounder shall be deemed to have committed “airs.” And, lastly, the aforesaid city shall under no circumstances have the emphasis on the first syllable, instead always being called “P’tucket.”

• CHAPTER 33-28. Proper Conduct on Highways Act.

All persons who operate a motor vehicle within this state shall pass on the right, roll through stop signs and speed up on yellows. Further, the aforesaid operators shall make inappropriate gestures to other motorists with whom they feel displeased. When attempting to turn left onto a busy highway, said operators shall inch out until oncoming traffic is blocked and sit there without apology waiting for an opening. When the light turns green, even if cars ahead are backed up into the intersection, operators shall proceed anyway and just sit there even as the light changes so that the other motorists who now have a green can’t go anywhere. Operators shall refer to “turning signals” as “blinkas,” and not use them. Finally, operators who take up only one space, instead of two, in parking lots, shall be given a warning, as will operators who don’t “game” a way to get dealer plates by “knowing a guy,” with consideration for those who have vanity plates, or at least their initials before the number.

Be it decreed:

Any violation of the provisions of the above proposed laws and subsections shall result, in the first instance, of having one’s CVS ExtraCare card confiscated, with a second violation punishable by house arrest with no means of listening to local talk radio, and a third triggering the three-strikes provision, meaning the ultimate local sanction of being barred from all Dunkin’ Donuts franchises.

mpatinkin@projo.com