Congratulations, sir.

“For what?”

Tomorrow’s Father’s Day.

“No one cares.”

Oh, come on.

“This isn’t Mother’s Day. Dads are barely on radar.”

Not true. There are ads everywhere. Check Home Depot’s Web site.

“Let’s see … you’re right. Their home page is featuring dad items.”

I told you.

“Well, if you look close, it proves my point.”

How so?

“Their main gift idea is a lawn mower.”

That’s not so bad.

“Try buying a vacuum cleaner on Mother’s Day. You’d take your life in your hands.”

What are the other items?

“Grill accessories, power tools and even a mix-master.”

Why a mix-master?

“That’s for ‘Chef-Dad.’ The other things are for ‘Do-It-Yourself Dad,’ and ‘Outdoor Dad.’ They think if they give us dramatic titles, we’ll love gifts that make us work.”

Do you feel patronized?

“Well, a big item out there is the ‘Grill-slinger’s Barbecue Belt.’ They figure we’ll be so thrilled at the label, we won’t realize we’re the kitchen help.”

There must be more indulgent items.

“Not exactly. Home Depot also says to buy dad a paint sprayer, some hedge shears, and even a galvanized coil of roofing nails.”

You’re kidding.

“I’m not. The culture’s hidden agenda on Father’s Day is to make us shingle the roof.”

But that’s Home Depot. I’ll bet other sites, like Target, are indulging you guys more.

“Negative. Target’s home page puts us fourth. Their main category is ‘Women,’ then ‘Furniture,’ then ‘Baby,’ and finally, ‘Gadgets’ for dad at ‘price you can afford.’ Think about that last phrase.”

What are the gadgets?

“It does seem there are some flat screens. But the main items are listed under ‘Dad’s Day to Shine, Your Day to Save.’”

What items?

“A power washer, a shop-vac, an adjustable wrench and kitchen knives. That’s a pattern. Home Depot is pushing pans for ‘Chef Dad.’ ”

What’s wrong with that?

“My brother once bought his wife cooking CDs for Mother’s Day. He tells me he’s still doing penance. Big mistake — big.”

What else is Target saying people should buy dad?

“Armor All Ultra Shine car wax, with chenille wash mitt.”

That sounds nice.

“I dare you to get your wife a bottle of floor wax on her next birthday.”

There must be some other items.

“There’s a $50 Sonicare tooth brush.”

Now that’s lovely.

“Do you know what would happen to a man who bought a toothbrush on Mother’s Day?”

Try Walmart.

“Okay – their home page is pushing the Jonas Brothers new album, bunk beds, Wii video games and iPods. Who are the Jonas Brothers, anyway?”

“You wouldn’t understand. What is Walmart selling for dad?”

“Not a thing. Wait, here’s a small clickpoint for dads.”

What’s it say?

“It says, ‘Dad is king of the castle.’

Okay. A bit patronizing, but not bad. What are they selling?

“It looks like … nothing.”

Nothing?

It’s a survey asking where dads like to hang out. Garage, workshop, that kind of thing. There are no dad items on Walmart’s home page.”

Odd. Why would retailers not be making Father’s Day a priority?

Because they’re smart enough to know dads are a marketing black hole. They’ve done their research. Mother’s Day — big. Valentine’s? Big, too. Father’s Day? Roofing nails.

I see your point. Is there anything I can do?

“Yes.”

Gladly sir.

“Could you hand me that Armor-All?”

mpatinkin@projo.com