People keep saying journalists sneak their own politics into the news.

I suppose some do.

But in truth, we play most things almost absurdly straight.

Take a recent headline I came across: “Quake experts say Calif. due for big one within 30 years.”

It took impressive self-control not to add: “Who hired these geniuses?”

Today, I’ve decided to abandon such restraint.

I’m going to list actual news items that showcase our usual objectivity, and then add the kind of obvious commentary we seldom let ourselves print, but should.

I’ve tried this in the past, suggesting such headlines as, “Mexico this week announced plans for a stepped-up crackdown on its drug-smuggling industry; yeah, sure."

But a lot of “naïve” news has piled up in the interim.

So today, here are some recent stories, written the way I wish I could:

• “After it came out that a construction worker buried a Red Sox jersey in the cement of the new Yankees stadium to curse the team, the Yankees said they might sue him, proving they are indeed a humorless sports Death Star.”

• “Passengers yesterday faced frustration at airports after hundreds of planes were grounded … and this was unlike any other travel day, how?”

• “Hillary Clinton called Obama an elitist again, while he mocked her as Annie Oakley, departing from the campaign’s usual disciplined focus on issues only.”

• “Mothers who had their children removed from a West Texas polygamist compound charged the state with child abuse, as opposed to the way the sect allegedly compelled girls as young as 14 and 15 to be married off to men in their 50s.”

• “Rhode Island lawmakers returned from vacation to take up an extensive list of bills from immigration reform to taxation, which, in the coming years, will result in no improvement of the state’s financial crisis.”

• With ratings chronically in the basement, Katie Couric may soon leave the CBS anchor chair, and there’s no denying she has talent, but can you say, ‘miscast.’?”

• “Rob Lowe has countersued his nanny, claiming she tried to extort him with charges of sexual harassment, and I know they’re rich and busy, but these days, doesn’t it make more sense for stars to raise their kids without help?”

• “When told by an interviewer that two-thirds of Americans were against the administration’s Iraq policies, Vice President Cheney responded by saying, ‘So?’ — an uncharacteristic break from his usual open and compassionate style.”

• “Consumer prices were up again in March, raising the question of whether they ever go down.”

• “People magazine reported Ashlee Simpson is pregnant and planning a wedding, as if anyone in Hollywood ever does it the other way around.”

• “The No-Incision Appendectomy: New surgical techniques promise a day when organs will be removed through the body’s natural orifices. Eew.”

• “Food prices have soared this year, causing concern that eating will soon cost as much as the far more important American function: driving.”

• “After Citigroup reported $6.5 billion in losses from bad subprime mortgage bets, CEO Charles Prince received a $10.4 million bonus in 2007, showing the unique talent of corporate boards to reward executives for catastrophically bad performance.”

• “A big lineup of national performers will be coming to the Rhode Island area this weekend — if you don’t mind driving to Connecticut’s casinos to see them.”

• “Delta and Northwest will combine to form the world’s biggest airline, which will, despite its best efforts, like most mainstream airlines, bedevil customers with flight delays, bizarre ticket pricing and lost luggage.”

• “Heather Mills, who got almost $50 million in a divorce settlement, dumped a glass of water on the head of Paul McCartney’s attorney — thank goodness Mills didn’t get only $45 million, or she might have gotten angry.”

• “Opponents of Zimbabwe president Robert Mugabe have claimed victory in the nation’s recent election, forgetting that as a megalomaniac dictator, there’s zero chance he will turn over power.”

• “A study of financial traders has linked the male sex hormone to risk taking. Remind me which aspect of male behavior the sex hormone is not linked to?”

• “Iran’s hard-line President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad this week questioned the number of 9/11 deaths, and described that day’s terrorist attacks as merely a ‘suspicious event,’ confirming the assumptions of many that he is indeed nuts.”

And finally:

• “Alan Greenspan said recently he thinks the U.S. is in recession, displaying the keen ability of an expert to divine a truth that 93 percent of Americans have known for the last half-year.”

mpatinkin@projo.com