I saw that Brown University students and faculty have voted to end the school’s observance of Columbus Day. They feel Christopher Columbus should not be celebrated because of his negative legacy with Native Americans. However, the folks at Brown did want to keep their day off, so they renamed the holiday “Fall Weekend.”

I am with them.

And I don’t think we should stop there.

To Brown’s credit, this has opened an overdue discussion about other holidays.

Today, I’d like to propose we get rid of some others as well.

Start with Halloween.

Let’s examine the premise

Most parents spend considerable time telling children that food products with names like Milky Way are not to be eaten at all hours of the day. Then, every year on Oct. 31, we give a slightly different message.

We send these same children into the dark to knock on strangers’ doors and collect several pounds of candy. They return home, show us parents bags full of grease, fat, sugar, empty calories, and tooth decay, and our reaction is, “Good for you.”

Then they spend the rest of the week eating it, usually whenever they want.

In an age when junk food and childhood obesity have become national crises, how can we justify a holiday framed around poor nutrition and excess eating? If we’re going to cancel Columbus Day, I say Halloween has to go, too. Perhaps we can change it to Health Day, and encourage children to go door-to-door gathering small portions of cooked vegetables.

Let’s move on to Hanukkah.

The premise of Hanukkah is that 2,200 years ago, the Jews of ancient Israel took back the temple from Greek-Syrian conquerors and found it was wrecked, without enough oil left to keep it lit inside to begin restoration. But there was a miracle — the oil somehow kept flames alight for eight days, which is why the holiday is observed that long.

In 2009, this raises a question.

Is it proper to have a holiday premised on the celebration of carbon-based fuels during a time of global warming? With billions of dollars of stimulus money now targeted to promote green, renewable fuel sources, should we be teaching our children that petroleum is a good thing?

I say we cancel Hanukkah and replace it with Alternative-Fuels Day.

As for Christmas, I want to know where the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals has been. Reindeer should not be asked to pull a heavy sled to virtually every address in the world.

In addition, if any other ethnic or racial group was conscripted to spend their year making toys without apparent wages or cost-of-living-increases, there would be an outcry. Yet elves seem to have no interest groups in their corner. Are little people the last acceptable area of labor exploitation?

Because of the importance of Christmas, I for one would be willing to see it go forward, but only if the elves are allowed to join the American Federation of State, County and Municipal Employees, which may well be possible if the Obama administration follows through on promises to make it easier for unions to organize in the workplace.

Can we focus on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day? These holidays assume a rigid, traditional family structure no longer in keeping with society’s changes. Virtually every major school form I have to sign includes the phrase, “parent or guardian.”

To me, the solution is simple. Let’s combine Mother’s and Father’s Day into a single new holiday called “Guardian’s Day.”

I have an equal problem with President’s Day, since I thought America’s premise was that we’re a nation of the people, not of kings, or the modern equivalent. I suppose I can see the need to honor those who serve us, but aren’t the judiciary and legislature equal to the executive arm? How do you think they feel on this holiday?

Let’s change it to “Three Branches of Government Day.”

Finally, it’s a medical fact that men die before women, and suffer more heart disease, clearly brought on by stress. Given this dire health crisis, is it right to have a holiday that adds to male anxiety? Valentine’s Day clearly discriminates against men, and from the male perspective, is not a “holiday” at all, but a source of pressure, deep fear and even emotional terror, especially when we are told, despite our good intentions, that an electric can-opener from CVS was not an appropriately romantic gift.

Valentine’s Day has to go.

I think that covers it.

You may be asking: What does that leave us to look forward to?

Plenty.

I hope to see you at Brown next October for the deeply meaningful, historically rich “Fall Weekend.”

mpatinkin@projo.com