New Year’s Resolutions based on last year’s news:

• When in Vegas, I will not retrieve my memorabilia at gunpoint.

• If I become a high-profile New York Yankee trying to keep a low profile during a marriage crisis, I will not date Madonna.

• If some investment firm tells me about a prominent, but secretive, guru who has delivered 10 percent annual gains for decades, I’ll run the other way.

• If I ever have a 15-year-old daughter again, I will not let her strike a sultry pose for Vanity Fair wearing a bed sheet.

• I will not pardon a turkey while other turkeys are being slaughtered on camera behind me.

• I will not charter a luxury yacht off the coast of Somalia.

• If I make the U.S. track relay team for the next Olympics, I will work on my baton pass.

• My next car will be bought based on double the current price of gasoline, since that’s where it could be next week.

• If I decide to run for office, I’ll start by vetting my clergyman’s sermons.

• Then I’ll double check how many houses I own.

• And I will not employ Rudy Giuliani’s “Florida strategy” of only entering the race after I’ve lost.

• If asked about my economic policy by a plumber, I will use phrases like “graduated tax structure” rather than “spreading the wealth around.”

• I may cancel a major debate to go fix the economy, but never an appearance on David Letterman.

• And I will not wink on camera.

• I will not brag over the telephone about selling a U.S. Senate seat for cash.

• I will decline no-money-down mortgage offers, even if the bank says it’s fine that the payments are 80 percent of my income.

• I will only claim I ducked sniper fire if there were no cameras around at the time.

• If somehow I become a pregnant man, I will not show off my stomach on Oprah.

• To plan for future employment, I will get certified in automobile repossession instead of financial management.

• If I end up running a bank that gets a $10-billion taxpayer bailout, I will not tell the taxpayers they have no right to know what I’m spending it on.

• I will not refer to a greeting that has been routine in America for a decade as “a terrorist fist bump.”

• When next giving a press conference in Baghdad, I will ask reporters to check shoes at the door.

• If I become head of Disney, I will insist all female Mouseketeers sign 30-year contracts agreeing not to shave their heads, go out in public with no underwear, or marry Kevin Federline.

• When hosting a televised talk show, I will not assume I’m off-camera while screaming, “We’ll do it live,” at my crew.

• Even if their books get in order, I will not take seriously financial institutions nicknamed “Fannie Mae” and “Freddie Mac.”

• To avoid unexpected data charges on my cell phone, I will disable all its functions except for playing Snake.

• I will not fire homemade missiles into the neighborhoods of a bordering country with the region’s most powerful military.

• If asked by a reporter what newspapers I read, I will not say, “All of them.”

• I will start to view my house as a home rather than an investment.

• The next time I take out a $100,000 tool bag on a spacewalk, I will tether it to my belt.

• If I become head of PETA, I will not publicly call on Ben and Jerry’s to spare cows by using breast milk in their ice cream.

• When running for senator of Minnesota, I will not take a day off telling myself that 300 votes one way or another won’t make a difference.

• If the Dow ever hits 14,000 again, I will put my 401(k) in cash.

• When the next must-have technology gadget debuts at $1,250, I will wait one month to buy it, at which point it will cost $35.

And finally:

• I will not use my private jet to go pick up my handout.

mpatinkin@projo.com