Thoughts at Large:

• Who buys Premium gasoline anymore?

• I wonder what the Elks Club will look like when the hip-hop generation gets old enough to start joining it.

• I think I’ve just solved the energy crisis: mini wind-turbines mounted on cars.

• If I ever get named chairman of TD Banknorth, my first act will be to change its name to something less weird.

• Former New York Stock Exchange chief Dick Grasso was just vindicated of charges his $190-million pay package was unlawful. But let’s not forget that he profited off 9/11 when he quickly pocketed a $5-million bonus for keeping the Exchange going through the crisis. And that was on top of the $25-million pay he was already getting in 2001.

• You have to wonder about men who wear heavy cologne.

• If you don’t love a bench-clearing brawl in baseball, something’s wrong with you.

• I’m still hoping to charge the mound at least once before I die.

• Some say it’s ironic that we pay $4 for gas while coffee by the cup is $20 per gallon. But I’m thinking most folks don’t drink 20 gallons a week.

• A paparazzo trying to photograph Matthew McConaughey at the beach told the police he was attacked by a mob of surfers who threw his camera in the ocean. Put that in the “good news” file.

• Factual correction on a recent column, wherein I marveled that my 17-year-old and his friends had lunch at 3 p.m. My mistake. That was breakfast.

• If I seem down today, it’s because my newspaper has a policy against keeping items sent with news releases, so I had to give up the Narragansett Beer tie.

• I miss the Old Man in the Mountain.

• Speaking of which, can’t they get someone experienced in sizable reproductions to rebuild it? Maybe Pamela Anderson’s surgeon is available.

• In 1969, when most older folks demonized them, I would have never predicted the Rolling Stones would become Muzak in dentists’ offices.

• Fact: One of three drivers has no clue how to handle a rotary.

• I’m starting a petition asking grammarians to rename the colon.

• I always feel guilty when a new software program asks if I have read the terms, and I lie and click “yes.”

• Don’t you love the sudden silence when you realize you’ve had it with a loud car radio and turn it off?

• I’m guessing it doesn’t give me street cred to say my hood is the East Side.

• I still can’t get over the way the “In the Courts” column in the sports section is not about basketball but criminal justice.

• What does it say about us that two of the biggest areas of interest on the Internet are porn and celebrity?

• When your car wipers leave a smear, why is it always directly in your line of vision?

• I bought a new rice maker, which really does make perfect rice at the push of a button. I think my wife feels threatened by it.

• My latest idea for getting rich: A back-scratcher, but with a big flat hand for putting sunblock on your back.

• Is it just me, or is that big topiary spelling “Cape Cod” at the end of the Bourne Bridge kind of cheesy?

• What genius thought it necessary to put directions on a shaving cream can: Wash face, apply cream.

• Eighty million dollars for one Monet? If RISD has any classes in painting water lilies, I’m enrolling the whole family.

• Where did drivers put coffee mugs before they invented cup holders?

• And finally: Even Lincoln’s mundane quotes were wise, like this: “Whatever you are, be a good one.”

mpatinkin@projo.com