I saw that CCRI has begun teaching basic finance to students. It’s about time. I’ve long felt colleges do a better job on 19th-century literature than equipping kids to live day-to-day. So I’d like to propose my version of a life-skills course, with a focus on freshman boys, since, by my experience, they are the most backward:

Hello class. Welcome to Life-Skills 101. Please take a seat. Also, pull up your pants.

But dude …

…that’s ‘Professor,’ …

…like, there’s no dress code.

True, but if you look at most investment bankers and even software engineers, it’s uncommon to find successful professionals wearing boxers six inches above their belt line. And you in row two. Please. The baseball hat.

My bad.

I did not mean turn it from sideways to backwards. Take it off. Thank you. Let’s start with laundry. I have a seating chart here so I’ll use your names. Mr. … Convey in row three. Tell me how one does a load of wash.

Obvi. You bring it home to your old lady.

No, Mr. Convey, you don’t bring it home to your old lady. Anyone else? Mr. Rickler, row four?

Like, you stand in front of the dorm machines looking all clueless until some chick comes in and shows you how.

Gentleman, I refer you to Handout Two, wherein one pours in a cup of detergent and adjusts for load size. Now, does anyone know what I’m holding in my hand? Mr. Ardente?

Dude, is that …

…Professor …

…right, is that one of those origami papers?

No sir. This is a “napkin.” Can we say this together, class. “Nap-kin.” One uses it to wipe one’s mouth during a meal. Yes, Mr. … Nathaniel, I see you have a question.

Yeah, can’t you just use your sleeve?

We are trying to elevate you at least to the evolutionary level achieved by Cro-Magnon Man. Speaking of which, I am holding in my hand … what?

That’s a weird looking Frisbee, man.

That’s because it’s a “plate.” One uses it to put food on. I see our friend Mr. … Spence in row three seems confused.

Kind of. How long have they had those around?

The first evidence of early humans using plates was the Iron Age. Are you not familiar with this concept Mr. Spence?

Why can’t you just carry your pizza into the basement with your hand?

Because professional carpet cleaning isn’t cheap. Moving on, this is a bowl. Bowls are where one puts, among other things, ice cream. I see Mr. … Bratton is raising his hand. Yes?

Can’t you eat it out of the carton?

Gentlemen — could you ever picture the famous, well-bred writer F. Scott Fitzgerald eating ice cream from a carton?

Fitzgerald? Does he write for Sports Illustrated”

No, Mr. Bratton. F. Scott Fitzgerald does not write for Sports Illustrated. Next concept: What does one do when one drops a Frito on the carpet? In row six, Mr. Davis?

Like you step on it on your way to putting Call of Duty into the Xbox? And like, the next day the vacuum fairy cleans it up?

Like, no, Mr. Turner. That would be incorrect. One throws it into the wastebasket. Isn’t that correct, Mr. … Miner?

Right, I do that with my super-size Coke from McDonald’s.

Do you pour the liquid out before throwing it into the wastebasket?

Huh?

Gentlemen — we don’t throw out half-full super-size Cokes. We pour them out first in a sink. A sink is usually found in the bathroom, which is a place where we flush after using. In polite society, one flushes.

That’s weird, man.

Similarly, is it proper to leave half-drunk bottles of Gatorade on the window sill or ottoman? Mr. Faria in row one?

Uh … no?

Very good, Mr. Faria. “No” is correct. Where do we leave them instead?

On the pool table?

No, Mr. Faria; we put them back in the refrigerator or when empty, in the recycling bin. Class — who knows what I’m holding in my hand? Mr. Ardente again?

An indoor football?

Incorrect. This is a roll of paper towels, used for …

…for chucking it to one of your bros so he can make a sick diving catch on the living room couch, and …

Incorrect again. This is for wiping kitchen counters, and … yes Mr. Rickler?

Aren’t kitchen counters where you clean your cleats?

No, sir, that would be incorrect. And this item here — anyone recognize it? Mr. Convey?

Easy. That’s a dresser. Where you keep your clothes in the basement and all.

It’s a laundry hamper. One traditionally carries it to one’s room and places the items in drawers.

No way.

Way, Mr. Convey. And finally — a pop quiz. Let’s have some rapid-fire responses. First, fast-food wrappers get thrown …?

On the floor of your car.

Incorrect. One hangs sweatshirts on … ?

Dining room chairs.

The backyard fence?

Both incorrect again. Last question. Since the sink is only inches from the dishwasher, wouldn’t it be just as easy to put your glasses in the … Anyone? I see blank faces … The dish … ?

Rag?

Towel?

Satellite?

We’ll discuss this difficult concept tomorrow. Class dismissed.

mpatinkin@projo.com