Providence is the fourth most romantic city for baby boomers, has one of the top 10 Little Italys, and comes in ninth nationally in how often its people visit the dentist.

At least that’s the claim of various magazine rankings as compiled in a Sunday Journal story.

I love those surveys, but you have to wonder about them. Many lists, for example, say Providence is among the most livable cities, but in January, Forbes said we’re the 10th most miserable.

I’ve also long thought we have a ton of attributes that no one bothers to assess.

Having lived here a while, I thought I’d take a guess at where our state, cities and towns might rank nationally if someone knew enough to take a survey:

• Warwick: Number 4 in most above-ground swimming pools for a place 20 minutes from the ocean.

• Rhode Island: Number 3 in most politicians per capita in federal court.

• Burrillville: Number 4 in having a bag of snowmelt in your garage year-round.

• Rhode Island: Number 1 in states referring to themselves as islands, even though they’re not.

• Newport: Number 1 in having by now given up all hope that the America’s Cup will ever come back.

• Rhode Island: Number 3 in lemonade slush; Number 1 in coffee milk.

• Quonochontaug: Number 4 in most unpronounceable place name.

• Rhode Island: Number 2 in percentage of population knowing how to swear in Italian.

• Rhode Island: Number 3 in motorists being assigned a designated tailgater; Number 2 in drivers regarding yellow lights as “last call.”

• Middletown: Number 1 in people not from Newport who, when you ask where they’re from, say “Newport.”

• Rhode Island: Number 2 in feeling that the favorite local TV celebrities, after weathercasters, are car dealers and furniture store owners.

• Cranston: Number 1 globally in most compensation for helping children cross the street.

• Rhode Island: Number 1 in states used as a unit of measurement to gauge ranch, ice shelf and military base size.

• Woonsocket: Number 1 in moms who help their teen daughters win fights.

• Rhode Island: Number 6 in people per capita who have tried to be a movie extra.

• East Greenwich: Number 14 in McMansions per capita; Number 11 in plastic surgeons.

• Rhode Island: Number 1 in denigrating the legislature while always reelecting your rep.

• Barrington: Number 5 in highest concentration of outnumbered Republicans surrounded by a sea of Democrats.

• East Side: Number 4 in percentage of moms on cell phones in Lexus SUVs while waiting in school pick-up lines.

• Rhode Island: Number 1 in being fanatic Red Sox fans even though you can’t afford a ticket.

• Narragansett: Number 13 in pick-up trucks with fishing poles in the back. Number 1 in coveting a bigger cabana at Bonnet Shores.

• Rhode Island: Number 50 in prospects of ever seeing a state surplus.

• Foster-Glocester: Number 1 in magnetically attracting more snow than all surrounding towns.

• Tiverton: Number 1 in thinking their Four Corners is more charming than Hoxsie’s in Warwick.

• Providence: Number 3 in sales of acid reflux medications the day after property tax bills arrive.

• Rhode Island: Number 2 in still not being over the Super Bowl loss.

• Providence: Number 1 in sunken submarines.

• Jamestown: Number 3 in drivers using the “tokens only” lane even though they have no tokens.

• Johnston: Number 1 in legally adding an “a” to your name to be listed first on a ballot.

• Rhode Island: Number 1 in folks who feel state law requires them to retire to Florida.

• Woonsocket: Number 2 in number of outgrown youth skates in the basement.

• Rhode Island: Number 5 in people using old bank checks from three mergers ago.

• South County: Number 2 in boats in driveway being bigger than the house.

• Rhode Island: Number 4 in feeling guilty that you don’t use most of those $1-off coupons you get on your CVS receipt every time you buy something.

• Warren: Number 1 in thinking that if your daughter marries someone from Bristol, the groom is “from out of town.”

• Rhode Island: Number 1 in having more New York System hot dogs than New York does.

• Exeter: Number 1 in being a state leader in both sod farms and ski resorts.

• Providence: Number 1 in ordering a wiener “all the way” instead of “with everything on it.”

And finally:

• Rhode Island: Number 1 in being convinced the Iway will not be completed in our lifetime.

mpatinkin@projo.com