I came across a recent issue of Esquire magazine that asked a range of folks to respond to the statement, “What I’ve learned.”

Peter O’Toole learned, “Good parts make good actors.”

Katie Couric learned, “It’s a little harder than I thought it would be.”

James Watson, who co-discovered DNA structure, learned, “Never fight bigger boys or dogs.”

And a guy named Bill McCrea from Austin learned, “Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.”

It got me thinking about things I’ve learned.

Here are a few:

• Husbands who pick out lamps without prior approval do so at their own peril.

• Owning up is always better than wriggling out of it.

• Women and baseball mitts get better with age.

• Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors may well help with depression, but so does Chinese take-out.

• You can best judge a person’s soul by how they treat the clerical help.

• The best things in life are free, but Disney’s Grand Floridian beats Motel 6.

• The more you suddenly crave an Oreo Klondike bar, the greater the chance someone else just ate the last one.

• Charlie Brown was right: a hot dog tastes better with a ballgame in front of it.

• If the letter says, “You may already be a winner,” you won’t be.

• You will spend at least three total weeks of your life thinking about that $1 million house you could have bought 20 years ago for $100,000 – if only the SOBs hadn’t talked you out of it.

• Broken pipes that need emergency attention primarily break on Sunday evenings.

• I think what the Tortoise and the Hare means is that if you just do your job every day, in the end, you’ll have a lot more than if you frantically go after the big score.

• When your teen calls from the house to ask when you’re coming home, it’s not because he misses you.

• Just because your kids’ friends think you’re marginally cool doesn’t mean your kids will.

• Dropped bagels always land cream-cheese-side down.

• People who don’t agree with a news analysis will write in to say, “You’re wrong.” People who don’t agree with a column will write in to say, “You’re an imbecile.”

• The hours may go slow, but the years go fast.

• It’s a father’s destiny to repeat the same allegedly amusing one-liners, such as, “Gee, ever hear of a fork – they were invented in the Iron Age…”

• Leaving the hockey arena to take your son to the men’s room all but assure a goal will be scored.

• If someone is guaranteeing you 30 percent return on investment, keep a hand on your wallet.

• Applause would be nice, but a paycheck is what you get instead, and you probably wouldn’t trade.

• Getting even is a waste of time.

• If you cut a corner by “getting away with it,” it’s no victory.

• It’s futile to give your children a twenty and expect change.

• Trying to be loved by hiding your flaws is the surest way not to be.

• If there are two events you desperately want to attend all month, they will fall on the same night.

• Before you beat yourself up for fumbling two of your last three projects, remember that in baseball, a .330 average is almost good as it gets.

• As for that crisis you think is the end of the world — a few weeks from now, you won’t remember it.

• If you want to guarantee that you’ll never become self-impressed, have teenagers.

• The best way to make money is to never try to buy at the low or sell at the high. (If you find the self-discipline to do this, please tell me how.)

• At some level, children know that home-baked cookies say something about them that store-bought cookies don’t.

• Like the Beatles, your knees and lower back won’t last forever, so enjoy them while they’re still around.

• God worked hard to put some nice things on Earth, and gets mad at people who take them for granted.

And finally, most important:

• The next time you’re temped to disparage something your wife says, does, wears, cooks, buys or applies, it’s best to postpone that thought until, oh, I don’t know, how do you feel about forever?

mpatinkin@projo.com