As a writer, I get a ton of e-mails from public relations firms, most of them standard fare, but this one was compelling.

“I thought I would present you with some extra insight about ‘What women want,’ ” it said.

Most men would pay dearly for the answer, since we pay dearly for not having it, so I clicked to a suggested Web site called measureupplace.com.

It featured a survey asking women to go through 40 characteristics and pick those they prefer in a man.

I couldn’t wait to read the top ones . . . until I did.

1. Good Judgment. 2. Intelligence. 3. Faithful. 4. Affectionate. 5. Financially Responsible. 6. Good father.

Oh.

Thanks for that stunning insight.

I’m not saying those traits are bad, but they were tediously predictable, and offered nothing new to work with.

I think I know the problem. They asked the wrong group. They asked women.

I remember a scene from a recent movie where a guy asks his girlfriend what women want. She looks at him with great meaning and whispers urgently, “We have no idea what we want.”

To which he responds: “I knew it.”

I don’t pretend to have better answers. But after 55 years, the last 43 or so trying to find common ground with females, I do know one thing.

I know what they don’t want.

So today, if measureupplace.com would like the start of another survey, here goes.

What women don’t want

When venting about being stressed, they don’t want you to jump in and solve the problem.

Or to say anything except, “What an awful day for you.”

They don’t want to hear theories about why the fuse blew; they just want the lights back on.

Women don’t want you to glance their way at dinner and say, “Is there any butter in the house?”

Or for you to finally carry the clothes hamper to the bedroom, and then live out of it for a week.

They don’t want you for the 500th time to put your glass an inch from the coaster.

Or the empty milk carton back in the refrigerator.

They don’t want you to surf nonstop through 120 TV channels when they’re also watching.

Or to toggle back to the game every time Desperate Housewives breaks to a commercial.

They don’t want you to re-close the dishwasher door and sneak away when there’s a clean load.

Or to put glasses in the sink instead of the rack.

Women do not want to take out the garbage.

Or change the light bulbs.

They don’t want you to order a lighter dish than they do at a restaurant.

Or to be finicky about what you eat.

They don’t want you to tell them — after you bought the tickets — about the family trip you just planned for everyone to go see your parents.

Or about the $300 baseball bat you bought after she decided she couldn’t afford those shoes.

When asking how you like their new dress, women don’t want you to say, “How much was it?”

Or to fail to notice they had their hair done.

They don’t want you to use the dining room as a dumping ground for your jackets, briefcase and sports bag.

Or the ottoman in the TV room as your dinner tray.

Women don’t want you to spend more time than they do getting ready to go out.

Or for you to dress down when they dress up.

They do not want you to make the bed by pulling the blanket over tangled sheets.

Or to drape your jeans over the closet door when you’re told they don’t belong on the chair.

They don’t want you to assume the Kleenex Fairy will replace the empty box.

Or that the countertop fairy will Windex the surfaces because you thought dinner clean-up only meant the dishes.

When you’re both quietly reading, they don’t want you to play chicken over who answers the telephone.

Or the door.

Women do not want to be taken to a sports bar on their birthday.

Or given a present without a card.

Women don’t want you to wear smaller jeans than they do.

Or to mix darks and lights.

And they definitely don’t want you to sneak side-glances at the football game while they are talking to you.

Finally, let me end with the one thing I think women do want.

I’m going out on a limb, since even Freud couldn’t answer.

But I’m betting on it.

Yes, they want affection, judgment, faithfulness and all that.

But mostly, whatever the issue, women just want you to take care of it.

mpatinkin@projo.com