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7.13.2001 |
projo.com moderator
We're here with Dianne Flaherty and Haven Miles of The Providence Center. Welcome.
 Dianne Flaherty |
Thanks, we're glad to be here to dialogue with readers and answer questions if they wish to submit them. |
Janet
Warwick
With the bombardment of news coverage on this terrible event, how should we talk to our children about it, particularly younger gradeschool children? How much exposure should they have to the news media as events continue to unfold?
 Haven Miles |
Haven: This is for
any age, children and adults: It's often better handled in a way that's
specifically concrete, in language that's appropriate to the people you're
talking to. It may be as simple as "Some very bad
people have done very bad things and the good people are trying very hard
to make it better." With an older child who can read or has had a couple of years at school, in which he's learning about the world, you may want to use his existing knowledge to expand on that statement. The world as perceived by a young child is very different than that perceived by an adult. The world of a child can be his room, his bed, maybe his neighborhood. Trying to help a child to abstract from that may be impossible. |
Dianne Flaherty |
Dianne: Children
are better at observing than they are at interpreting events in their lives.
Therefore, it's important for adult caretakers to carefully watch children's
reactions whether at play, while resting, or watching the events unfold
on television. Children's behavior can be a good indicator of the effects that these events have had on them. |
Worried Mom
Mendon, MA
My son cried himself to sleep last night because he doesn't feel safe. How can I comfort him when I feel so upset myself?
Haven Miles |
Haven: You certainly want to acknowledge how frightened the child is, that this is a big and scary thing that has happened. And that mommy is going to do everything she can to keep him safe. And that he has lots and lots of safe nights in his bed already, and he will have many more. |
Dianne Flaherty |
Dianne: In situations
such as these children look to adults as role models of how to react. And
although we feel unsafe at times, it is important for us to act and react
in calm and reassuring ways with our children, helping them to feel safe.
Haven: A really good way to make children feel safe is to follow the ordinary daily routine. This is a time in life in which boring is good. |
Maria
Cranston
I found myself very shaken with the terrorist attacks that have taken place. I was finding it difficult to maintain my composure and did not want to have the TV on when the kids got home from school on the day of the attacks. What's the best way to deal with this?
Thank you.
Haven Miles |
Haven: I think an
informed parent would want to find out if the child had already watched
any of the news of this terrible event, before coming home. It does help if the parent feels able to do it, to describe in concrete terms what's happening on the television. It's also helpful for a child to hear his parents say, "And I'm crying because I'm very sad about this." Most children will tolerate an adult's grieving behaviors for as long as he can, and then leave the room. |
jack
richmond
We thought we were safe in America, now we feel we aren't safe. And even if we tell our kids they're safe, we don't know that's true. Do we live differently?
Haven Miles |
Haven: Children will
live the same if adults provide that for them. What we say to a child about
how safe they are, is: "Mommy and Daddy will keep you safe." Adults know
that there are a lot of things that that doesn't cover. Until the age when
a child will question that, that response is enough. It's more likely for children to ask that who are seven and older, and even with that age child, the response can always be: We will try as best we can, so the child can remember the most basic thing of all, that he is loved. |
Tom
Providence
My kid asked me last night if I hated the terrorists and I instinctively said yes. I feel badly now that I said that, but confused about how to discuss this with my kids because I am so very angry. Any ideas?
Dianne Flaherty |
Dianne: If we live in hate, we live in the same emotion as those who perpetrated the pain that we are all experiencing. Dianne: To feel hate as your primary response will result in affect your own emotional and physical well being. |
Haven Miles |
Haven: It's like any other feeling. We have it, we have to figure out what to do with it, and then maybe act on it. Sometimes we have feelings that we don't act on. Those feelings we can use to help us figure out what else we can do. You can talk with your kids about things they have hated, and what they wanted to do about it, and what they finally did -- if anything. If your kids are old enough to ask about this, you may be able to keep them informed about how you are processing this and what you will do and not do about that feeling. |
Joe
Providence
I just heard that there was a bomb scare in a school in Pawtucket. What kind of sickness is going around here? What causes a person to do such things, especially at such a trying time??
Dianne Flaherty |
Dianne: And they do that without considering the consequences. Oftentimes in relieving their stress or confusion in an inappropriate way it causes stress and confusion to the lives of others. |
lou
providence
This is psychological warfare, too. What are the sources of courage? Does one get used to fear? How do people handle it where terrorism is common?
Dianne Flaherty |
Dianne: We find courage
within ourselves, within our families, within the social and loving relationships
we have within our lives. Many people find courage in community institutions such as churches and social groups where they are able to talk with people of like minds about their fears and hopes. Haven: And that you feel good enough about yourself that you feel you have something that you can offer to them. The passenger on the plane who called his family and told them that he and his seatmate had decided to do something to interrupt the hijackers, that's courage. |
Eileen
Scituate
After watching the events on TV, my 16-year-old son told me he will never fly in a plane or go into a tall building. While I understand his fear at this time, what can I say or do to help him feel comfortable about these things in the future?
Haven Miles |
Haven: It sounds
like something that, at the age of 16, he's going to have to work through
on his own. Dianne: The feelings people are feeling now are very real. Acknowledge what he's feeling. It's very normal, and in the future, he may change his mind and he can talk to you about it any time he wishes. |
mike
north attleboro
I have printed and hung near my desk, the 23rd psalm... when I contemplate the verses, I am put at ease and all things are put into perspective.
"...though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou are with me"
Dianne Flaherty |
Dianne: It's great that you have found a way for you to find solace and comfort. It's important for all of us to identify what we need in our lives in order to effectively acknowledge and cope with the vast amount of feelings that have resulted from this situation. |
projo.com moderator
Any last thoughts?
Haven Miles |
Haven: We're going
through this together, adults and children alike. When watching the events unfold, it's important that adults also watch through 3-year-old eyes, 15-year-old eyes and 20-year-old eyes — because our children are watching us, and looking to us to model how to react. |
projo.com moderator
Dianne?
Dianne Flaherty |
Dianne: These events
have unearthed in many of us feelings of hate, vengeance and fear. Many
people's first instinct, when they first heard of the tragedy, was to connect
with someone they love. Taking the opportunity to react from a loving perspective
and appreciate the blessings in our lives provides us with a positive healthy
and effective response. If we as family members, Rhode Island citizens and Americans hold together our resolve to support each other through what comes in the days ahead we will have triumphed over the hate that lies behind this tragedy. |
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