01:00 AM EDT on Monday, May 16, 2005

We have had Hammurabi's Code, the Napoleonic Code, and the DaVinci Code. Now, apparently, we will have Ainge's Code.

"We don't like what we see from a behavioral standpoint," the Celtics director of basketball operations said last week. "This is all about raising the bar and having higher expectations for day-in and day-out behavior."

That's idealistic, but not realistic. It's admirable, but not workable.

"I just feel like we need players who are going to respect the game," he said. "There's such a focus -- and I don't know if this starts in AAU ball, or all the attention that shoe companies give, or agents give -- but it's too much about 'me.' We have too much 'me' and not enough 'team.' We're going to do what we can to stop that."

That's a task tantamount to asking Earl Boykins to stop Shaquille O'Neal 1-on-1 in the paint.

The NBA is based on the star system. The league markets individuals, not teams. So is it any surprise that so many NBA players are pampered, spoiled, selfish, and self-centered individuals who, in many cases, have outrageously large contracts that are fully guaranted?

And what will be the reaction of those players to a code of conduct such as Ainge is contemplating? One can only imagine.

As far as the players are concerned, the new rules may as well be written in code.

Man, I didn't read nothin' in that one year I had to waste in

college before comin' to the Association, and I'm not readin' nothin' now. That's why I have an agent. That lazy son of a gun ain't done nothin' anyway to earn his percentage since I signed that $100-million sneaker deal to wear shoes kids can't afford to buy 'til they get their own endorsement contracts -- or their AAU coach or some friendly college booster slips 'em a few dollars. Why, I even let him borrow one of my six Rolls-Royces to go pick up four of my $3,000 suits at the dry cleaners and it took him two hours to run that simple errand. I was timin' him on my $20,000 Rolex. So let him read the rules and then I'll decide which ones I might sometimes decide to follow.

Rule 1: Respect your teammates

I'd respect 'em a lot more if they'd realize I'm the man and they always should put the ball in my hands. They shouldn't be takin' no shots if I'm on the floor.

Rule 2: Listen to the coach

That's gonna be hard to do with my headphones on.

Rule 3: Pass the ball to the open man.

That one don't apply to me. I'm always open.

Rule 4. No tattoos.

These ain't tattoos. These are body art. I'm a walking museum. Which is only fitting, because my game is truly a masterpiece of perfection.

Rule 5. Be on time.

I'm always on time. My time.

Rule 6. Show up for every practice

Practice? Every one? I'm doin' good just showin' up for all the games. Well, most of 'em, anyway.

Rule 7. No wiggling after you sink a shot. Especially if you've just missed your previous nine shots and the team is trailing by 20 points at the time.

The man don't understand nothin' about motivation. We may not be in the game, but wigglin' keeps the crowd in it.

Rule 8. Keep your uniform shirt on at all times

Gonna be a lot of lady fans in the stands disappointed if I do that.

Rule 9. No headbands. They look ridiculous.

What's ridiculous are these rules.

Rule 10. Do what the coach tells you to do.

I'll do that as soon as the coach makes more money than I do.

"There's a lackadaisical attitude," Ainge said, "that's frustrating."

The real frustration will come when he expects NBA players to adhere to a code of conduct.