07/25/2003

Summer reminds us that there are only two types of people: Freshwater people and saltwater people.

The two are as different as liberals and conservatives, Red Sox fans and Yankees fans, or cat people and dog people.

And just as no voter can embrace both George Bush and John Kerry, nobody is both a saltwater and a freshwater person.

Sure, saltwater people will visit a lake or a pond, but reluctantly and only if there isn't a saltwater beach within 100 miles.

Freshwater people may be less obnoxious, but they are even more stubborn than saltwater people.

Don't expect freshwater people to participate in Rhode Island's Bay Day activities, despite offers of free bus rides and beach admission. Freshwater people would rather sweat out a heat wave in their kitchen than visit a saltwater beach.

Freshwater people and saltwater people seem to define themselves more by what they dislike about the other's preference than what they like about their own.

Saltwater people will tell you that it's impossible to build a good sandcastle at the local pond. Freshwater people will say they've never seen a decent tree swing at a saltwater beach.

Salty residue is also a big hang-up for freshwater people. Most freshwater people have sampled saltwater at least once in their lifetime. Some will tell you that the salty residue left on their skin made them itch so much it gave them nightmares and scarred them emotionally.

Freshwater people seem obsessed with cleanliness. Some even bring bars of soap to the pond or lake early in the morning. You will never see a saltwater person bring a bar of soap to Scarborough.

But saltwater people will claim that theirs is the cleaner option, that saltwater actually has healing powers, and that freshwater people swim in the same water, day after day, all summer long. Saltwater people will tell you that the tide flushes their water into the vast ocean twice a day.

Freshwater people, I suspect, are also terrified of sharks. Most of them haven't gotten over Jaws, and they think saltwater people are crazy for sharing their swimming holes with hammerheads and great whites. To them, it makes a lot more sense to risk losing a toe or a finger to a snapping turtle than a limb or life to a shark.

Then, there's the matter of personal style.

Freshwater people are more likely to drive to the pond or lake in a pickup truck and blast Metallica to the cottages on the other side of the pond. I think they're also more likely to be NASCAR fans.

Saltwater people might also drive trucks, but it's more likely to be an SUV that's never had a good reason to use its four-wheel drive.

Saltwater people are more of a soft rock crowd (if there really can be such a thing as soft rock), loyal to Jimmy Buffett and the slow pace of baseball.

I also suspect that saltwater people are more appearance-conscious than freshwater people. You're more likely to see the latest bikini style at a saltwater beach.

Unfortunately, you're also likely to see an overweight guy in a Speedo brief. He may have everyone else trying to bury their heads in the sand, but you can be sure Mr. Speedo is convinced that he looks good.

Freshwater people are more likely to strut their stuff in a pair of cutoff jeans.

Saltwater people also seem to put more effort into tanning than freshwater people, arguing that saltwater attracts the sun and helps bring on the burn. Years ago, some would pour baby oil on their skin in an effort to attract even more sun, but now that there’s so much concern about skin cancer, saltwater people will wear sunscreen.

Many freshwater people don't bother buying sunscreen. They just swim in their T-shirts. One of the best ways to identify freshwater people away from the pond or the lake is by their sunburn -- on their lower arms and the backs of their necks.

Many of us are religious in our devotion to fresh or saltwater -- adopted, I suspect, in the same way we adopt religion.

If our parents were saltwater people, we became saltwater people, and vice versa. By the time we were capable of making our own decision, the seeds were already planted and had taken root.

One day, we wake up as adults explaining that we're Catholics or Protestants, saltwater or freshwater people, well, because that's the way it's always been.

Right now, my 4-year-old son is trying to turn us into a freshwater family, mainly because he's convinced that the ice-cream truck only visits the pond and not the beach near our house.

But I'll wear him down. He will become a saltwater person because, well, that's the way it's always been for our family.

Besides, I've sampled proof that the ice-cream truck also visits the saltwater beach.