This cow knows how to milk a win
05/09/2003
She was stoic in victory.
No trash talking. No dancing a silly jig to make her opponents look bad.
Not even a hoof raised in the air to tell the world she came out on top.
Barrington's famous blue cow reminded me of a classy old-time athlete
after this week's triumph over town officials who wanted her removed
from the front of a gift shop on Maple Avenue.
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Journal file photo
NO REASON TO BE BLUE: The cow appeared to take its victory over town officials this week in stride.
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The fiberglass cow didn't taunt anyone. She didn't seem to feel the need
to draw extra attention to herself. (I guess her multi-colored, abstract
paint job had already accomplished that.) The cow's grace was admirable.
"I try to act like I've been there before," the cow finally offered
after I'd stood there forever, notebook in hand, trying everything
imaginable to get her to talk.
"Been where?"
"To the winner’s circle," it said.
The town had claimed that Imagine gift shop owners Gene Oberhauser and
Emily Calandrelli were using the cow as an illegal sign. The shop owners
argued that she was a piece of art.
When the shop owners and the cow wouldn't budge, the town tried imposing
more than $50,000 in fines. The town filed a lawsuit, and the Rhode
Island Chapter of the American Civil Liberties Union stepped in –on
behalf of the shop owners, not the cow.
After months of controversy, the town and the shop owners reached an
agreement this week. Both sides say they are happy, but it seems like
the town blinked. The town agreed that it wouldn't impose any fines and
that it would reimburse the shop owners for litigation costs.
And, oh yes, the cow can stay right where she is.
"How do you feel?," I asked.
"Vindicated," the cow said.
(Wow, I thought, this cow can not only talk, but it has a better
vocabulary than I do.)
"Why?" I asked, continuing my penetrating line of questioning.
"I've told you all along that I’m a work of art, not a sign."
"I know. The Mona Lisa of cows, right?"
"Now I’m thinking more the bovine version of Michaelangelo's David," the
cow said. "Check out these pecs."
"Do cows have pecs?"
"Sure," the cow replied. "And have ever you seen a better developed
rump?"
"Well, there is a nice little butcher’s shop down the street from my
house."
"I have to admit. I feel some relief, too," the cow said.
"Relief?"
"Yes. People got awfully hyped up over all of this. They held a rally
for me. More than 1,500 signed a petition to keep me here. People made
T-shirts and signs.
"One sign suggested that the town manager should lose his job. One
little girl even said she’d would chain herself to me if I were forced
to go.
"Sometimes, I think you humans care more about animals -– even
fiberglass animals -– than people."
"Wasn't this about free speech?" I asked.
"Hey, you're the only one who seems to think I can talk."
"Weren’t you the one who told me that once this was settled you wanted
the ACLU to address all sorts of grievances on behalf of cows, like cow
tipping and all the cow jokes?"
"I guess this case has proven that some people really do love cows, and
not just when we're sitting inside a hamburger roll," the cow said.
"So you no longer believe that horses and dogs get all the credit that
cows deserve?"
"Believe me, I’ve still got my issues, and I'm not throwing out the
ACLU's telephone number, but for now I just want to savor this victory.
I'm just glad that I get to stay here on the side of the road, admired
by every art lover who passes.
"It sure beats having my rump on display in a butcher’s shop."
